Thursday, August 31, 2006

Street Ducks - The enemy within



In some places Swan's have taken control of the riverbanks and have erected barriers at the waters edge.

Please lobby your M.P. to stop this injustice.

Swans.

Big fat bullys in white, the 4th Reich!

Swans.

Just because they're owned by the Queen they think they can get away with it!

Swans.

If they can break our arms just think what they can do to poor little street ducks!

Fight Injustice on our banks, Break down barriers in a town near you!

Bathroom Boy


Beds are different things to different people.

Welcome to Faggots World.


Meanwhile.....



Lulu lays in her luxuriant sleigh bed and wonders what the cats are having for breakfast.

Mothers little helper


When Trotter woke up this morning he was dismayed to find that Martha hadn't wet the bed, what with the new incontinence sheet and everything.

So to make her feel a bit better he pissed on her pillows then had a big poo on the floor.

There's no place like home.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Shame


There has been a carnival air in the house this afternoon as the cats prepared Martha's bedroom for the delivery of her new mattress with specially re-enforced plastic top sheet, to guard against urine.

As the cats springcleaned and Lulu supervised from the hallway in a hard hat, shouting directions and smoking a cigar, Trotter could be seen lurking in an suspicious manner in the corner.

'What ever is the matter?', asked Fing

'Well, i'm a little bit embarressed', says Trotter.

'I didn't realise Martha was incontinent'.

He knows


The pets are writing their letters to Father Christmas.

Tutz would like new attachments and upgrades to her scratchy pole.

Fat Boy Faggot would like a special cat hammock for the side of the bath.

Truly Scumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west is asking for a waterbed and a years supply of chocolate eclairs.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, is asking for a chamois leather, so she can buff herself up to a wondrous and near impossible shine in the morning.

Fing, the cat I can't forget, wants a new samba outfit and an E Type Jag.

And Trotter? Poor Dear Demented Trotter wants a beautiful beaded ruff, in scarlet. He wants a battery powered toy car and a pretend sub machine gun. He wants a toy train and an eagle eye action man.

Poor Trotter. The way it's going its going to be yet another year of disappointment with nothing but a lump of coal in the bottom of his stocking.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Love



Until one has Loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.
~Anatole France~

The Wanderer's Return


Some of you may be wondering where the pets have been for the past few days.

Strangely enough they have just returned from Reading Festival, where they have been very drunk, spilling around listening to Rock music, vomiting behind bushes and talking to complete strangers about absolute crap.

Such is festival life.

They put up their 6 pet tent, unrolled their sleeping bags and unloaded their provisions.

They wandered around site and watched the parade pass before them.

They watched Placebo, the Streets, The Kaiser Cheifs and the Arctic Monkeys. Trotter was very excited about the Arctic Monkeys and could be seen crowd surfing at the front.

Tutz enjoyed the burlesque circus and wonders if being suspended from the ceiling by large hooks in your back might be a bit stingy.

Fing spent an hour and a half queing for the showers only to realise, when a large man stumbled out of a cubicle all covered in soap suds, that they were all, infact, fucked, and was forced to join the hoi polloi in the communal showers, a distressing experience that he hopes never to experience ever again.

They met some cool people, some fucked people, some were handsome, but most pig ugly.

They have returned today exhausted and are now planning some home improvements and college courses for the new year.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

All night long


Fing had a dreadful nights sleep.

He went to bed early in his customary hair net and silk pajama's and to begin with was kept awake by a very irritating sawing noise.

The sawing was replaced at an indiscriminate time by Hercules yelping and Andray shouting loudly 'DID YOU JUST STEP ON MY DOG?!?'

Fing sighed and changed position to lay on his side and listened as the kids started to rap in a freestyle, disjointed, fashion on the street corner, and wished they could only string a sentance together normally, let alone try to rhyme.

I couldn't tell at which point he finally drifted into an uncomfortable sleep, only to be rudely awoken at 3 by a fracas around the corner at the crack house.

At this point he abandoned his bed and went downstairs and smoked a large cuban cigar to settle his nerves.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Meaning of life



"Well, at least my life hasn't been wasted so far" says Trotter proudly to Fing.

Trotter and Fing's Book Club


This months recommended reading by the pets is as follows:

Fing would like to recommend 'The Power of One' by Bryce Courtenay - a moving account of a young white boys growth into adulthood in apartheid South Africa, Fing is particularly moved by Pekay's relationship with his Chicken, Grampa Chook.

Tutz would like to recommend 'The Enchanted Wood' by Enid Blyton. Tutz would very much like to live in the magic Faraway Tree and imagines that there may be a world at the top of her scratchy pole if only she could find it.

Fat Boy Faggot would like to recommend 'On Sparta' by Plutarch and thinks that everyone would benefit from the Spartan lifestyle, amongst the other advantagess of ancient Greek life.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, would like to recommend 'Glory Road' by Robert Heinlein, as she would very much like the oppourtunity to travel through 20 universes fighting dragons and giants with a sword.

Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the cubbiest dog in the West, would like to recommend 'Cakes and Pastries' by Marks and Sparks, its a great cookery book and the cakes are to die for.

Trotter doesn't care which Title you choose as book of the month, but only asks that you try and read Hardbacks, as Paperback books upset him and have to be savagely destroyed.

Please look out for the Trotter & Fing sticker in all good bookshops near you, book club members receive a 10% discount and a previously savaged paperback to use as a door stop.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

No, No, No, Yes.



"Who is that?", asks Trotter.

"No one knows", Says Fing.

no, no, no, know


"well, if you didn't know already you'd never guess he was a hairdresser", says Trotter to Fing.

Oh, no, no, no, no



"Do you think he knows us?" says Trotter to Fing.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Not Forgotten

Trotter is amazed to find Fing, sobbing hysterically, upon the sofa. Not only sobbing but wearing a sequinned suit, black wig and clutching a bottle of Southern Comfort, from which he has clearly imbibed.

'Whats the matter?', he asks the clearly distraught Fing.

'You DONT KNOW?' sobs the boy,

Trotter, confused, thinks for a moment and says, 'If I knew I wouldnt have to ask',

'You're right, says Fing, 'I shouldn't shout at you, with your poor tormented mind, its 29 years ago today that Elvis passed away'

'Christ', says Trotter, 'No wonder you're all shook up!'

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Abstract.



Margo would like the world to know that it's not easy to wear trousers that look like Salvadore Dali's moustache.

Meanwhile...



......In a watery, alternative, reality, Codpiece, Willy and Spunk eat colour enhancing granules and dream of the open ocean.

Monday, August 14, 2006

One of Tutz Favourite Songs


Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes



Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

In the morning
Laughing, happy
Fish Heads
In the evening
Floating in the soup

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Ask a Fish head
Anything you want to
They won't answer
They can't talk

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

I took a Fish head
Out to see a movie
Didn't have to pay
To get it in

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm
They can't play baseball
They don't wear sweaters
They're not good dancers
They don't play drums

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm