I forgot to tell you about Trotter and Fings weekend vacation to sunny Spain.
They left on a Friday morning and arrived early at Heathrow, where they sat in the VIP lounge and ate the free nibbles and drank the free drink. Trotter on half a lager shandy, with Fing having a crisp Chardonnay and a bag of salted nuts.
The flight passed quickly, they arrived and got their taxi to the 4 star hotel, where they were delighted to discover that they were on the edge of the gay area, Cheuca. They quickly unpacked and popped out for a bite to eat before an early night.
Saturday was a day of utter delights. They took the metro down to the Sofia museum, where they marvelled at Picasso's Guernica, and Trotter got told off for using flash photography and Fing was moved by the anti war art.
They left the museum and decided on a cooling drink in a nice little bar on the square, only to be harangued by a blind beggar with eyeballs the colour of milk, which quite put poor Trotter of his tapas. The blind man was quickly followed by a Gypsy woman, heavily laden with small child and an imploring hand, which they dismissed out of hand. Once you've seen Julia's Romanian beggar impression, you've seen them all.
They moved on to the next museum where Fing wanted to see Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights, which proper twisted little Mr T's head even more than the milky bar kid eyeballs.
They decided on a leisurely stroll back to the hotel. But after 45 minutes in the schorchio heat they needed to stop for a beverage. Gran Via seemed the best place to stop with its lovely plaza full of tree's. It turned out to be a lovely plaza full of lady's of 'the night' who didn't seem to mind that it was tea time. Everywhere they looked another lady popped up in death defyingly tiny outfits and perfectly manicured eyebrows. One lady turned up and promptly sat down in a garden chair, so Fing whispered it was probably due to an arthritic hip for being too long in the trade. Trotter, sipping his coca cola through a straw, had no idea what he was talking about and asked if they could go back for a siesta.
They spent a perfectly agreeable evening in the square at Cheuca, where the gays and a motley assortment of tramps seemed to mingle without fear of resprisal. Indeed, it appeared that the tramps did a fine line in morose flamenco and seemed quite happy to clap and wail while the more affulent around them drank and ate plain crisps with a decadent gayness.
All in all it was a most agreeable weekend away.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Open or closed?
Trotter has discovered a new delight.
He has discovered that by pressing his furry snout into the gap of the open window he can smell the world outside and, if necessary, bark when needed.
He likes to bark if Sprokett is on the upstairs balcony, or if the new foreign students are playing their music too loud.
He likes to bark if Penny is on her balcony smoking or if a train goes by.
Most of the time, as ever, he just likes to bark at nothing. And who can blame him?
He has discovered that by pressing his furry snout into the gap of the open window he can smell the world outside and, if necessary, bark when needed.
He likes to bark if Sprokett is on the upstairs balcony, or if the new foreign students are playing their music too loud.
He likes to bark if Penny is on her balcony smoking or if a train goes by.
Most of the time, as ever, he just likes to bark at nothing. And who can blame him?
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Saturday, August 01, 2009
Sometimes
Sometimes I walk alone.
Not much of the time because my head is full of Martha.
But sometimes I come home and there are two furry heads, looking up at me, in tandem.
Thank god for Trotter and Fing.
Sometimes being lonely isn't that bad.
Not much of the time because my head is full of Martha.
But sometimes I come home and there are two furry heads, looking up at me, in tandem.
Thank god for Trotter and Fing.
Sometimes being lonely isn't that bad.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Mow me Kangaroo down sport
There is great excitement in the Hartley household as the pets are investigating their own allotment. There are 36 allotment area's in Oxford an dthe nearest to us is Cowmead on the Abingdon Road.
'We shall need a shed in which to put our tools', said Fing, writing it at the top of the list.
'We shall need a lovely big Butt', said Faggot, 'to collect water for the flowers'.
'We will need a spade, says Lulu, and a fork'
'We will need a watering can, says Slugface, and seeds to plant of course'.
Thereis a small silence in which they turn to Trotter and Tutz.
'Will there be compost?' asks Trotter, a bag for me to open and throw everywhere?'
'PRROOOOTTTTT', says tutz, perrrrpppppoooot!'.
'There will be compost and come the summer and autumn there will be lots of loverly vegertables', says Slug Face, who has become a bit country since she has become a gardener.
We can't wait!
'We shall need a shed in which to put our tools', said Fing, writing it at the top of the list.
'We shall need a lovely big Butt', said Faggot, 'to collect water for the flowers'.
'We will need a spade, says Lulu, and a fork'
'We will need a watering can, says Slugface, and seeds to plant of course'.
Thereis a small silence in which they turn to Trotter and Tutz.
'Will there be compost?' asks Trotter, a bag for me to open and throw everywhere?'
'PRROOOOTTTTT', says tutz, perrrrpppppoooot!'.
'There will be compost and come the summer and autumn there will be lots of loverly vegertables', says Slug Face, who has become a bit country since she has become a gardener.
We can't wait!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
New habits die hard
Fing has developed a new habit of utalizing Lulu's dinner bowl as a latrine.
Although he has not stopped urinating on any available fabric, or in bags, he has started to pee into the bowl, nice and neatly.
Sometimes there is just a bowl of yellow liquid, at other times he scrapes odd socks into the bowl to soak it up. Although hazordous for the unwary its quite nice to have it contained in something.
Unfortunately there were dire consequences when he attempted to pee into Footsies bowl, which she had knocked off the side onto the floor by the chest of drawers. I hadn't noticed the attempted urination until i was in a meeting at work and suddenlty became aware of a certain O' de toilet.
Yes, he had pee'd all over my hush puppies. They had dried out and the warmth in the meeting room bought out the pungent odour.
Although he has not stopped urinating on any available fabric, or in bags, he has started to pee into the bowl, nice and neatly.
Sometimes there is just a bowl of yellow liquid, at other times he scrapes odd socks into the bowl to soak it up. Although hazordous for the unwary its quite nice to have it contained in something.
Unfortunately there were dire consequences when he attempted to pee into Footsies bowl, which she had knocked off the side onto the floor by the chest of drawers. I hadn't noticed the attempted urination until i was in a meeting at work and suddenlty became aware of a certain O' de toilet.
Yes, he had pee'd all over my hush puppies. They had dried out and the warmth in the meeting room bought out the pungent odour.
Monday, May 25, 2009
andis thoughts
I am lord darth jeff of cheem, I can kill you with a tray James Mason I can kill you with a thought my cat is a kipper. Where is Pavlov's cat? next to pavlovs do velvertine you homeless fuck' towering velvertint
Fillpa@s Hole
well, im fucked.
Fillipa went to bed early. Me and the ringmaster general have stayed up all night. Not the i'm making excuses, but the holes birthday comes but once year.
I don't know what Trotter is up to, but if he's playing to form he's probably barking at the neighbours and pissing on some ones parade.
Hello to Jodie and Casey, Preachers Lane don't come much better.
Britains got TALENT!
Fillipa went to bed early. Me and the ringmaster general have stayed up all night. Not the i'm making excuses, but the holes birthday comes but once year.
I don't know what Trotter is up to, but if he's playing to form he's probably barking at the neighbours and pissing on some ones parade.
Hello to Jodie and Casey, Preachers Lane don't come much better.
Britains got TALENT!
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
The last heave
Was on me i'm afraid.
When I was in the bath this morning i was washing my left arm when i discovered a grayish kind of mark on my arm which i scraped off with a puzzled fingernail.
I thought no more about it until I returned to my room and went to make the bed, only to discovered that the throw was covered in cat sick. That didn't bother me unduly, Fat Boy Faggot has a very temperamental stomach and stuffs himself like a hungry horse, so there's quite often random vomit in unusual places around the house.
It was with some horror, however, that I found a pile underneath a teddy bear, in which I had inadvertently slept.
It is a new low in the household of historical lows.
When I was in the bath this morning i was washing my left arm when i discovered a grayish kind of mark on my arm which i scraped off with a puzzled fingernail.
I thought no more about it until I returned to my room and went to make the bed, only to discovered that the throw was covered in cat sick. That didn't bother me unduly, Fat Boy Faggot has a very temperamental stomach and stuffs himself like a hungry horse, so there's quite often random vomit in unusual places around the house.
It was with some horror, however, that I found a pile underneath a teddy bear, in which I had inadvertently slept.
It is a new low in the household of historical lows.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Tasty Treats and Stomach Cramps
It was the smell of shit that gave him away.
I had been taking down the decorations, as you do on the 12th night, and had found one of throws down the back of the 3 seater settee. It was neatly folded so I pulled it back up onto the sofa along with 2 cardigans that I had forgotten existed.
I carefully packed away the plastic angel lights and the synthetic golden flower lights into their respective boxes and then took them upstairs for storage as i do, without fail, every 12th night after Christmas.
I sat down and logged on with Trotter sat beside me and was not in any way unduly concerned when he started to lick the throw. As he is prone to random acts of fervent licking I paid him no heed until the smell of shit gently wafted past my left nostril.
Having just been upstairs I wondered if one of the pets had laid a log and i'd failed to notice it in my packing away of lights.
Alas no.
It would appear that one of our feline friends had used the throw behind the sofa as a latrine and Trotter was licking and chewing his way through the dried encrusted mess.
As I mentioned this to Martha she started to heave and I, obviously, started to laugh. She told me if I didn't stop laughing at her she would throttle me with my head band. Trotter became upset as he didn't understand why we wouldn't let him kiss us so became overwrought and started to chew on a diesel trainer. Fing, bastard that he is, hit Trotter round the head with an irritated paw, which in turn caused Trotter to leap at Fat Boy who was minding his business behind me on the sofa. I had to log off of Facebook to calm the situation down.
Seriously, in this house a little bit of shit goes a long way.
I had been taking down the decorations, as you do on the 12th night, and had found one of throws down the back of the 3 seater settee. It was neatly folded so I pulled it back up onto the sofa along with 2 cardigans that I had forgotten existed.
I carefully packed away the plastic angel lights and the synthetic golden flower lights into their respective boxes and then took them upstairs for storage as i do, without fail, every 12th night after Christmas.
I sat down and logged on with Trotter sat beside me and was not in any way unduly concerned when he started to lick the throw. As he is prone to random acts of fervent licking I paid him no heed until the smell of shit gently wafted past my left nostril.
Having just been upstairs I wondered if one of the pets had laid a log and i'd failed to notice it in my packing away of lights.
Alas no.
It would appear that one of our feline friends had used the throw behind the sofa as a latrine and Trotter was licking and chewing his way through the dried encrusted mess.
As I mentioned this to Martha she started to heave and I, obviously, started to laugh. She told me if I didn't stop laughing at her she would throttle me with my head band. Trotter became upset as he didn't understand why we wouldn't let him kiss us so became overwrought and started to chew on a diesel trainer. Fing, bastard that he is, hit Trotter round the head with an irritated paw, which in turn caused Trotter to leap at Fat Boy who was minding his business behind me on the sofa. I had to log off of Facebook to calm the situation down.
Seriously, in this house a little bit of shit goes a long way.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Its been one week
Christmas is fast approaching and the pets have been very busy indeed.
Trult Scumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has been baking leaving sweet and unimagingly delicious smells wafting around the house. Trotter could be found with his nose pressed up the the hot door of the oven, wondering what delights would appear.
Fat Boy Faggot has been to the town centre in his warm knitted scarf and purchased a beautiful red garland for above the mantle piece. Trotter watched from the sofa as Faggy carefully arranged baubles and boughs of holly and sparkeling lights in red and white.
The boy, Fing, gathered Tutz pocket money and helped her write a list, and took her into town to do her shopping. Trotter waited patiently on the bottom step near the front door for the pair to return with bulging bags of presents.
Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face has sat and made pomanders and today she is gently drying orange slices with cloves in the oven to make into decorations.
Trotters is sat watching Childrens TV.
Hw knows that Milly Pav and Fillipa Hole are coming to visit tomorrow night. He wonders what they will do and if he will be able to join in. He hopes that the evening will involve cheese, and perhaps a scotch egg. He gently drifts off into sleep thinking about presents and cake and twinkling lights, of plastic balls that you push with your nose so that the tasty treats hidden inside fall out occaisionally for you to eat.
Its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Trult Scumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has been baking leaving sweet and unimagingly delicious smells wafting around the house. Trotter could be found with his nose pressed up the the hot door of the oven, wondering what delights would appear.
Fat Boy Faggot has been to the town centre in his warm knitted scarf and purchased a beautiful red garland for above the mantle piece. Trotter watched from the sofa as Faggy carefully arranged baubles and boughs of holly and sparkeling lights in red and white.
The boy, Fing, gathered Tutz pocket money and helped her write a list, and took her into town to do her shopping. Trotter waited patiently on the bottom step near the front door for the pair to return with bulging bags of presents.
Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face has sat and made pomanders and today she is gently drying orange slices with cloves in the oven to make into decorations.
Trotters is sat watching Childrens TV.
Hw knows that Milly Pav and Fillipa Hole are coming to visit tomorrow night. He wonders what they will do and if he will be able to join in. He hopes that the evening will involve cheese, and perhaps a scotch egg. He gently drifts off into sleep thinking about presents and cake and twinkling lights, of plastic balls that you push with your nose so that the tasty treats hidden inside fall out occaisionally for you to eat.
Its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Friday, August 15, 2008
The Wonder!
Tutz has spent some time in the garden of late. She has waited for Trotter to be eating his breakfast and has craftily and quietly shot past him to the back door and out into the big blue yonder.
She will spend all day outside jumping after flies, or sitting on the fence where she can keep a look out for Marmalade, or the big black cat that no one likes.
She is particularly fond of sitting in Thelma's bush with Selby the Squirrel where they talk about things like great places to hide nuts.
She will sit on the bench and read the guardian, or sometimes a novel. She will lay on the bench in the sun and prooot to herself as she watches the fish in the pond.
But there comes a time in every cats day when hunger calls. So, usually about half 11 at night she begrudgingly comes in after about an hour of playing silly buggers and annoying everyone with her to-ing and fro-ing at the back door.
She will spend all day outside jumping after flies, or sitting on the fence where she can keep a look out for Marmalade, or the big black cat that no one likes.
She is particularly fond of sitting in Thelma's bush with Selby the Squirrel where they talk about things like great places to hide nuts.
She will sit on the bench and read the guardian, or sometimes a novel. She will lay on the bench in the sun and prooot to herself as she watches the fish in the pond.
But there comes a time in every cats day when hunger calls. So, usually about half 11 at night she begrudgingly comes in after about an hour of playing silly buggers and annoying everyone with her to-ing and fro-ing at the back door.
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