Street Ducks - The enemy within

In some places Swan's have taken control of the riverbanks and have erected barriers at the waters edge.

Please lobby your M.P. to stop this injustice.

Swans.

Big fat bullys in white, the 4th Reich!

Swans.

Just because they're owned by the Queen they think they can get away with it!

Swans.

If they can break our arms just think what they can do to poor little street ducks!

Fight Injustice on our banks, Break down barriers in a town near you!

Bathroom Boy

Beds are different things to different people.

Welcome to Faggots World.

Meanwhile.....

Lulu lays in her luxuriant sleigh bed and wonders what the cats are having for breakfast.

Mothers little helper

When Trotter woke up this morning he was dismayed to find that Martha hadn't wet the bed, what with the new incontinence sheet and everything.

So to make her feel a bit better he pissed on her pillows then had a big poo on the floor.

There's no place like home.

Shame

There has been a carnival air in the house this afternoon as the cats prepared Martha's bedroom for the delivery of her new mattress with specially re-enforced plastic top sheet, to guard against urine.

As the cats springcleaned and Lulu supervised from the hallway in a hard hat, shouting directions and smoking a cigar, Trotter could be seen lurking in an suspicious manner in the corner.

'What ever is the matter?', asked Fing

'Well, i'm a little bit embarressed', says Trotter.

'I didn't realise Martha was incontinent'.

He knows

The pets are writing their letters to Father Christmas.

Tutz would like new attachments and upgrades to her scratchy pole.

Fat Boy Faggot would like a special cat hammock for the side of the bath.

Truly Scumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west is asking for a waterbed and a years supply of chocolate eclairs.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, is asking for a chamois leather, so she can buff herself up to a wondrous and near impossible shine in the morning.

Fing, the cat I can't forget, wants a new samba outfit and an E Type Jag.

And Trotter? Poor Dear Demented Trotter wants a beautiful beaded ruff, in scarlet. He wants a battery powered toy car and a pretend sub machine gun. He wants a toy train and an eagle eye action man.

Poor Trotter. The way it's going its going to be yet another year of disappointment with nothing but a lump of coal in the bottom of his stocking.

Love

Until one has Loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened.
~Anatole France~

The Wanderer's Return

Some of you may be wondering where the pets have been for the past few days.

Strangely enough they have just returned from Reading Festival, where they have been very drunk, spilling around listening to Rock music, vomiting behind bushes and talking to complete strangers about absolute crap.

Such is festival life.

They put up their 6 pet tent, unrolled their sleeping bags and unloaded their provisions.

They wandered around site and watched the parade pass before them.

They watched Placebo, the Streets, The Kaiser Cheifs and the Arctic Monkeys. Trotter was very excited about the Arctic Monkeys and could be seen crowd surfing at the front.

Tutz enjoyed the burlesque circus and wonders if being suspended from the ceiling by large hooks in your back might be a bit stingy.

Fing spent an hour and a half queing for the showers only to realise, when a large man stumbled out of a cubicle all covered in soap suds, that they were all, infact, fucked, and was forced to join the hoi polloi in the communal showers, a distressing experience that he hopes never to experience ever again.

They met some cool people, some fucked people, some were handsome, but most pig ugly.

They have returned today exhausted and are now planning some home improvements and college courses for the new year.

Poochies - Patrick Moore impression

Poochies - Crazy like a Fox Impression

All night long

Fing had a dreadful nights sleep.

He went to bed early in his customary hair net and silk pajama's and to begin with was kept awake by a very irritating sawing noise.

The sawing was replaced at an indiscriminate time by Hercules yelping and Andray shouting loudly 'DID YOU JUST STEP ON MY DOG?!?'

Fing sighed and changed position to lay on his side and listened as the kids started to rap in a freestyle, disjointed, fashion on the street corner, and wished they could only string a sentance together normally, let alone try to rhyme.

I couldn't tell at which point he finally drifted into an uncomfortable sleep, only to be rudely awoken at 3 by a fracas around the corner at the crack house.

At this point he abandoned his bed and went downstairs and smoked a large cuban cigar to settle his nerves.

Meaning of life

"Well, at least my life hasn't been wasted so far" says Trotter proudly to Fing.

Trotter and Fing's Book Club

This months recommended reading by the pets is as follows:

Fing would like to recommend 'The Power of One' by Bryce Courtenay - a moving account of a young white boys growth into adulthood in apartheid South Africa, Fing is particularly moved by Pekay's relationship with his Chicken, Grampa Chook.

Tutz would like to recommend 'The Enchanted Wood' by Enid Blyton. Tutz would very much like to live in the magic Faraway Tree and imagines that there may be a world at the top of her scratchy pole if only she could find it.

Fat Boy Faggot would like to recommend 'On Sparta' by Plutarch and thinks that everyone would benefit from the Spartan lifestyle, amongst the other advantagess of ancient Greek life.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, would like to recommend 'Glory Road' by Robert Heinlein, as she would very much like the oppourtunity to travel through 20 universes fighting dragons and giants with a sword.

Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the cubbiest dog in the West, would like to recommend 'Cakes and Pastries' by Marks and Sparks, its a great cookery book and the cakes are to die for.

Trotter doesn't care which Title you choose as book of the month, but only asks that you try and read Hardbacks, as Paperback books upset him and have to be savagely destroyed.

Please look out for the Trotter & Fing sticker in all good bookshops near you, book club members receive a 10% discount and a previously savaged paperback to use as a door stop.

No, No, No, Yes.

"Who is that?", asks Trotter.

"No one knows", Says Fing.

no, no, no, know

"well, if you didn't know already you'd never guess he was a hairdresser", says Trotter to Fing.

Oh, no, no, no, no

"Do you think he knows us?" says Trotter to Fing.

Not Forgotten

Trotter is amazed to find Fing, sobbing hysterically, upon the sofa. Not only sobbing but wearing a sequinned suit, black wig and clutching a bottle of Southern Comfort, from which he has clearly imbibed.

'Whats the matter?', he asks the clearly distraught Fing.

'You DONT KNOW?' sobs the boy,

Trotter, confused, thinks for a moment and says, 'If I knew I wouldnt have to ask',

'You're right, says Fing, 'I shouldn't shout at you, with your poor tormented mind, its 29 years ago today that Elvis passed away'

'Christ', says Trotter, 'No wonder you're all shook up!'

Abstract.

Margo would like the world to know that it's not easy to wear trousers that look like Salvadore Dali's moustache.

Meanwhile...

......In a watery, alternative, reality, Codpiece, Willy and Spunk eat colour enhancing granules and dream of the open ocean.

One of Tutz Favourite Songs

Fish Heads by Barnes and Barnes

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

In the morning
Laughing, happy
Fish Heads
In the evening
Floating in the soup

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Ask a Fish head
Anything you want to
They won't answer
They can't talk

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

I took a Fish head
Out to see a movie
Didn't have to pay
To get it in

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm
They can't play baseball
They don't wear sweaters
They're not good dancers
They don't play drums

Fish heads, Fish heads
Rolly polly Fish heads
Fish heads, Fish heads
Eat them up, Yummm

Every day's a school day.

Today, Fing is teaching the other pets to crochet.

Fat Boy Faggot is trying to make a doiley.

Tutz, in her own mindless world of insanity, has created a large green dinosaur, that Fing eye's disapprovingly.

Truly Scumptious Lulu, the Chubbiest Dog in the west is making a bikini.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, is making camouflage netting.

Trotters has made himself some small booties and a large white cape in which he intends to pretend to be a superhero and rid the estate of evil.

Fing has made a beautiful pair of slacks to wear to his new samba class.

Tomorrow the pets will attend a lecture in Quantum Physics and discuss Steven Hawkins and his wheelchair.

What the pets are doing, right now...

In the sitting room Fing is dusting listening to Martha's Dr Hook CD.

In the bedroom Tutz is watching a documentary on the indigenous peoples of the South American Rainforest.

In Martha's room Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face is putting up some new curtains and changing the bed clothes.

In the bathroom Fat Boy Faggot is plucking his eyebrows before washing the immac of his back, sack and crack.

In the kitchen Truly Scrumptious Lulu is making pancakes and drinking Jack Daniels with orange.

And in the hallway Trotter is waiting for Martha to get home.

Street Ducks

As you are aware, homeless ducks have become a major problem in Oxford, unfortunately, the rivers are so full of pleasure cruisers and punters, swans, coots, old cars and shopping trollies that the ducks have been forced to live on the harsh concrete streets.

In some area's of Oxford the ducks have taken to squatting in University Buildings and peck in an embittered fashion at the feet of passing office workers.

So next time you think about going on a boat trip or laugh causually as you push an old car down the river bank, think.

Think about street ducks and the rising level of drug abuse and alcoholism in ducklings. Think of their tiny webbed feet all meant for water going crispy on the concrete.

Just Think!

Together we can work it out.

Trotwear

For Standard Lamps Savaged with Love.

Trotwear can be found in a Pound Paradise near you!

In a seperate time zone.......

Meanwhile, an overly excited Fat Boy Faggot, Tutz, Truly Scrumptious Lulu and Giggsey Girl the Stupid slug face are driving to London in Lulu's mini minor, on route to a Madonna concert.

What can I say?

Fat Boy Faggot screamed himself hoarse with adoration as his idol strutted her stuff up and down the stage.

Truly Lu spent most of the concert bouncing up and down trying to see the stage.

But Tutz and Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face found the entire concert overly contrived and were irritated by Madonna's buttocks.

The Northern Lights

Trotter and Fing drove to Blackpool in Fing's ferrari on Saturday morning. On Fat Boy Faggots suggestion they booked into a delightful camp hotel opposite the Flying handbag, they polled up, booked in, unpacked and went down and had a glass of wine.

The boys had never been to Blackpool and set off to the front to look for donkeys and were sorely disappointed when all they could find were obese people in motorized wheelchair's.

They went to the pleasure beach and purchased buckets and spades and were very disappointed when they were made to leave the beach due to the 'No Dogs April - September' policy. There was a little consternation as the sign did not say 'no cats' so Fing stayed on the beach and pissed on everyone's parade before he was chased off by an irate holiday maker with a wet towel in his hand.

Laughing to themselves about their naughtiness they went back to the hotel and ordered more wine.

After a small snack the boys set off to Funny Girls, where they had previously booked a table. They found themselves sitting next to an ex miner from Cardiff who's wife had run off with his brother, they told him that they really weren't interested thank you very much, and would he mind shutting the fuck up so they could watch the show?

After the show they went to Flamingoes and danced like spastics on acid before returning to the hotel to collapse in bed.

Fing awoke with the most terrible blisters from his new white brogues and found it so difficult to walk that the hotel's proprietor asked if he'd been gang raped in the night.

Sunday was another day of heavy drinking interspersed with a show by Fings favorite drag act - Kitty Litter. Trotter can't remember very much of this evening as he went back to the hotel for some pro plus and woke up the next morning on top of the bed, still fully dressed.

The next day Fing's ankles had still not calmed down so the boys got back in the ferrari and wove their weary way home.

Fangs for the Memory

Fing reads to Trotter from the Guardian,

"Guard dog mauls Elvis's teddy in rampage -

When Barney met Mabel, there was an instant - and fatal - chemical reaction.
On Tuesday night the doberman pinscher guard dog, after six years' blameless service, went berserk: within minutes Mabel, a 1909 German-made Steiff teddy bear once owned by Elvis Presley, more recently the pride and joy of an English aristocrat, lay mortally wounded.

Barney went on to rampage through hundreds of rare teddies, all on loan to Wookey Hole Caves in Somerset, and so valuable that the insurers had insisted on a guard dog to protect the premises at night. The aftermath, according to shocked staff, was appalling: shattered limbs, gouged eyes, ears torn off, and pools of sawdust everywhere."

Fing looks at Trotter over the top of his bi-focals and asks,

"Is he a relative?"

http://www.guardian.co.uk

Tiny One

Tutz bounces around the bedroom like bambi.

She thunders around like a herd of enraged baby elephants.

Occaisionally she will stop - dead in her tracks - with a look of complete amazement on her face. Where is she? Who are these other cats? Why is SHE a cat? She will stand in the silence and PRROOOTTT to herself before racing out of the door at a hundred miles an hour to tackle the rest of the upstairs.

She hides in the airing cupboard until Trotter has walked past.

She leaps like a flying bat from the top layer of her scratchy pole. She knocks over pictures in frames and knocks hats from on top of the shelves.

She puts on 50 Cent and then some G Unit and chants some offensive rap at Fat Boy Faggot who is lying in the bath with a face pack on.

She trys on shoes and chases flies, she slithers from layer to layer of her pole.

Then she curls up into a tiny ball and sleeps the sleep of the dead, conserving her energy for the next assault on the house.

Strike him off

My boy Fing, as you aware, has recently returned from a trip to the vets.

The Scottish vet, questioning my sanity, said he had 'probably hit himself in the eye with a stick or some such stuff'.

Question my sanity?

So how come the fucker missed the massive great big bite mark under Fings eye that has now become apparent now the eye is no longer swollen?

I'd call up and give them a piece of my mind, but there isn't much left that isn't addled with drink and drugs.

much ado about nothing.

Trotter is bored.

He is bored of chewing up the furniture, bored of pooing upstairs.

Bored of chasing Fat Boy Faggot and bored of harrassing Tutz.

He is bored of barking at Thelma and bored of party manifesto's.

He is bored of being locked in the kitchen when people leave the house and bored of being kept on a lead when he has been too naughty.

(It is not his fault, he beleives, that he has just too much naughtiness inside him all waiting to burst out)

He is bored of Karen Carpenter and bored of chedder cheese.

He is bored of Ice Hockey and bored of Bumble Bees.

Bored.

He lies on the sofa in a dejected heap and sighs.

Rose Garden

In some places Cowboys like to aggravate their herds by line dancing in an mad and frenetic fashion.

Unfortunately this can be fatal as horses detest line dancing and will trample you to death without so much as a by your leave or a beg your pardon.

Death by trampling is more likely to happen if you aggravate your herd in the open, as Horses do not frequent bars, night clubs or village halls.

Machine.

Fing was very interested to read that the largest object to be found in the universe resembles nothing so much more than a swarm of giant green jellyfish.

Not only this, but as the object is 200 million light years away, astronomers are actually looking back in time, at something 12 billion years ago.

He is amazed.

Who ever would have imagined that Jellyfish could time travel?

Sunshine

Trotter was very confused about the article he read about the Python who ate an electric blanket in America.

He thought it was hot in America.