Christmas is fast approaching and the pets have been very busy indeed.
Trult Scumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has been baking leaving sweet and unimagingly delicious smells wafting around the house. Trotter could be found with his nose pressed up the the hot door of the oven, wondering what delights would appear.
Fat Boy Faggot has been to the town centre in his warm knitted scarf and purchased a beautiful red garland for above the mantle piece. Trotter watched from the sofa as Faggy carefully arranged baubles and boughs of holly and sparkeling lights in red and white.
The boy, Fing, gathered Tutz pocket money and helped her write a list, and took her into town to do her shopping. Trotter waited patiently on the bottom step near the front door for the pair to return with bulging bags of presents.
Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face has sat and made pomanders and today she is gently drying orange slices with cloves in the oven to make into decorations.
Trotters is sat watching Childrens TV.
Hw knows that Milly Pav and Fillipa Hole are coming to visit tomorrow night. He wonders what they will do and if he will be able to join in. He hopes that the evening will involve cheese, and perhaps a scotch egg. He gently drifts off into sleep thinking about presents and cake and twinkling lights, of plastic balls that you push with your nose so that the tasty treats hidden inside fall out occaisionally for you to eat.
Its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
The Wonder!
Tutz has spent some time in the garden of late. She has waited for Trotter to be eating his breakfast and has craftily and quietly shot past him to the back door and out into the big blue yonder.
She will spend all day outside jumping after flies, or sitting on the fence where she can keep a look out for Marmalade, or the big black cat that no one likes.
She is particularly fond of sitting in Thelma's bush with Selby the Squirrel where they talk about things like great places to hide nuts.
She will sit on the bench and read the guardian, or sometimes a novel. She will lay on the bench in the sun and prooot to herself as she watches the fish in the pond.
But there comes a time in every cats day when hunger calls. So, usually about half 11 at night she begrudgingly comes in after about an hour of playing silly buggers and annoying everyone with her to-ing and fro-ing at the back door.
She will spend all day outside jumping after flies, or sitting on the fence where she can keep a look out for Marmalade, or the big black cat that no one likes.
She is particularly fond of sitting in Thelma's bush with Selby the Squirrel where they talk about things like great places to hide nuts.
She will sit on the bench and read the guardian, or sometimes a novel. She will lay on the bench in the sun and prooot to herself as she watches the fish in the pond.
But there comes a time in every cats day when hunger calls. So, usually about half 11 at night she begrudgingly comes in after about an hour of playing silly buggers and annoying everyone with her to-ing and fro-ing at the back door.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Ouchy
Fing went to the vets today.
He has been pissing, more than usual, on bags and soft furnishings. Dear god, last weekend he peed on the sockets.
I was a little bit concerned about his urination so took him to the vets, where they examined his small feline body and announced that his kidneys and bladder did not seem swollen and that there was no temperature to be had.
They asked if there had been change in his life, or a new cat on the scene, and said that he was probably just stressed.
The vet told me that cats find the smell of electrics soothing and that he was probably looking for comfort as he fused the house.
I don't know if there's an answer to this problem, but i'm planning to hang up my bags, hide my shoes in the loft and cover the plug sockets in masking tape.
He has been pissing, more than usual, on bags and soft furnishings. Dear god, last weekend he peed on the sockets.
I was a little bit concerned about his urination so took him to the vets, where they examined his small feline body and announced that his kidneys and bladder did not seem swollen and that there was no temperature to be had.
They asked if there had been change in his life, or a new cat on the scene, and said that he was probably just stressed.
The vet told me that cats find the smell of electrics soothing and that he was probably looking for comfort as he fused the house.
I don't know if there's an answer to this problem, but i'm planning to hang up my bags, hide my shoes in the loft and cover the plug sockets in masking tape.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Jamies Italian
Trotter and Fing have just returned from a slap up meal at Jamie's Italian.
They were invited originally to Jamie's birthday party by Fings good friend Dexter Fletcher, but Fing thought the noise and bustle and the glut of b list celebrities might prove too much for poor Trotters addled mind.
So Fing accepted a free meal on the Thursday night on their behalf instead.
Fing buffed himself up and brushed his fur and carefully tied a small bow tie around Trotters shabby neck before the walk into town.
The new restaurant was packed, and Trotter and Fing were led to a well placed table for two in the middle of the floor.
Fing ordered a peach Bellini and Trotter had a small stout with a cherry garnish.
The menu was exhaustive, and spoilt for choice Fing opted for squid as a starter while Trotter had the meat platter.
The starters were exemplary and the mains did not disappoint, Fing had king prawns slit in 2 with half a garlic and chili dressing with a small green salad while Trotter opted for a well done steak and chips.
To think it was only training week! The service was outstanding and the food to die for.
There was only one small mishap towards the end of the night when Trotter pissed up the leg of a pensioner on the way out.Disaster was averted when Fing blamed one of the waitresses and wispered 'You can't get the staff' as he sidled past, all beige fur and attitude.
Trotters is glad to be home. He hadn't felt comfortable in his bow tie and had had to take it off on the way home as it was making his neck ache.
So thank you to Dexter Fletcher and To Jamie Oliver for a perfectly splendid evening.
They were invited originally to Jamie's birthday party by Fings good friend Dexter Fletcher, but Fing thought the noise and bustle and the glut of b list celebrities might prove too much for poor Trotters addled mind.
So Fing accepted a free meal on the Thursday night on their behalf instead.
Fing buffed himself up and brushed his fur and carefully tied a small bow tie around Trotters shabby neck before the walk into town.
The new restaurant was packed, and Trotter and Fing were led to a well placed table for two in the middle of the floor.
Fing ordered a peach Bellini and Trotter had a small stout with a cherry garnish.
The menu was exhaustive, and spoilt for choice Fing opted for squid as a starter while Trotter had the meat platter.
The starters were exemplary and the mains did not disappoint, Fing had king prawns slit in 2 with half a garlic and chili dressing with a small green salad while Trotter opted for a well done steak and chips.
To think it was only training week! The service was outstanding and the food to die for.
There was only one small mishap towards the end of the night when Trotter pissed up the leg of a pensioner on the way out.Disaster was averted when Fing blamed one of the waitresses and wispered 'You can't get the staff' as he sidled past, all beige fur and attitude.
Trotters is glad to be home. He hadn't felt comfortable in his bow tie and had had to take it off on the way home as it was making his neck ache.
So thank you to Dexter Fletcher and To Jamie Oliver for a perfectly splendid evening.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
saturdAY
Tomorrow is Saturday and my brother and niece are descending upong us.
I've been eating feta cheese and mixed peppers that my good friends Dean and Milan made for me.
God alone knows what tomorrow may bring.
I've been eating feta cheese and mixed peppers that my good friends Dean and Milan made for me.
God alone knows what tomorrow may bring.
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
Gardening
It was a happy weekend for Martha who visited several garden centres and purchased new pots and bedding plants and compost.
Her first visit was on Saturday when Filipa took Martha to Homebase and Wyevale. She purchased Bizzie Lizzies a tomato plant and five small Ghost Koi for the pond.
Unfortunately Kiri, Kiri, Kiri, The Orphan, Mute Boy and myself had been up all night tripping the light fantastic and as a result had lost the use of most of our limbs and were blatantly incoherent.
So when the troop departed and Martha got me out into the garden I was neither use nor ornament. Every time she sent me into the house to do something I forgot what I was doing and would appear half an hour later with completely the wrong thing.
When Martha gave me the bag of Ghost Koi it appeared to have nothing in it, but I thought that was a by product of the night before, so I just poured the water in and said nothing. I'm not sure if there was anything actually in there because we havent seen them since.
Ironically he who should have been most hindrance turned out to be the most help.
Trotter escaped into the garden due to one of my aimless meanderings and rushed full of deranged excitement towards the new bag of compost, only to be suddenly distracted by a bag of bizzie lizzies instead. The boy pounced. I had him by the collar while Martha wrestled with the bag, we wrestled and Trotter tugged.
All of a sudden the little plants popped, one by one, out of their plastic container and I fell over backwards with Trotter.
Martha said I was bloody useless and sent me to bed, and gave Trotter a pat on the head to thank him for getting the notoriously difficult to remove plants from the container.
Her first visit was on Saturday when Filipa took Martha to Homebase and Wyevale. She purchased Bizzie Lizzies a tomato plant and five small Ghost Koi for the pond.
Unfortunately Kiri, Kiri, Kiri, The Orphan, Mute Boy and myself had been up all night tripping the light fantastic and as a result had lost the use of most of our limbs and were blatantly incoherent.
So when the troop departed and Martha got me out into the garden I was neither use nor ornament. Every time she sent me into the house to do something I forgot what I was doing and would appear half an hour later with completely the wrong thing.
When Martha gave me the bag of Ghost Koi it appeared to have nothing in it, but I thought that was a by product of the night before, so I just poured the water in and said nothing. I'm not sure if there was anything actually in there because we havent seen them since.
Ironically he who should have been most hindrance turned out to be the most help.
Trotter escaped into the garden due to one of my aimless meanderings and rushed full of deranged excitement towards the new bag of compost, only to be suddenly distracted by a bag of bizzie lizzies instead. The boy pounced. I had him by the collar while Martha wrestled with the bag, we wrestled and Trotter tugged.
All of a sudden the little plants popped, one by one, out of their plastic container and I fell over backwards with Trotter.
Martha said I was bloody useless and sent me to bed, and gave Trotter a pat on the head to thank him for getting the notoriously difficult to remove plants from the container.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
hello
] n][=we were experiencing problems.
Daniel is the dj.(orphan)
Andi is upstairs.+O(this shoulode=q==
Phill.
My Boy Fing.
Kiri,Kiri, Kiri+O(ki=oeloloy+O)+O =OMU+OT+OE boy mute boy
and me X (+EEE++)
its beyond me
And here is vladimir fishcake the 3rd
Daniel is the dj.(orphan)
Andi is upstairs.+O(this shoulode=q==
Phill.
My Boy Fing.
Kiri,Kiri, Kiri+O(ki=oeloloy+O)+O =OMU+OT+OE boy mute boy
and me X (+EEE++)
its beyond me
And here is vladimir fishcake the 3rd
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Nice
I became aware that Martha was staring at me intently.
'What!?!' i cried,
'One of your eyes looks different to the other' she advised, then continued with the unsettling staring.
'Maybe your face has always been lop sided but i've never noticed it until now'
Well, thanks for that Martha.
'What!?!' i cried,
'One of your eyes looks different to the other' she advised, then continued with the unsettling staring.
'Maybe your face has always been lop sided but i've never noticed it until now'
Well, thanks for that Martha.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
42
Trotter has spent the day thinking.
He doesn't think of much as we know, most of his time is spent pondering single questions such as
'When will Martha be home?'
'How much urine have i got in my bladder, as it seems quite a lot and i don't know if that's normal for such a small shabby dog'
'.................'
'What am i actually thinking about?'
Today he has been wondering why the gate has fallen off and if it had anything to do with him, as he is quite certain that whether it has or not, he will somehow get the blame.
After a day of deep thought he decided to push the mood lamp off the side in front of us when we got home so to be sure he got the blame for exactley the right thing.
He doesn't think of much as we know, most of his time is spent pondering single questions such as
'When will Martha be home?'
'How much urine have i got in my bladder, as it seems quite a lot and i don't know if that's normal for such a small shabby dog'
'.................'
'What am i actually thinking about?'
Today he has been wondering why the gate has fallen off and if it had anything to do with him, as he is quite certain that whether it has or not, he will somehow get the blame.
After a day of deep thought he decided to push the mood lamp off the side in front of us when we got home so to be sure he got the blame for exactley the right thing.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sadness
It is with great sadness that we report the death of one of the neighbourhood Street Ducks, who was spotted by Martha as she went to work this morning.
His tiny mangled body was to be seen under the 'Preachers Lane' sign as you left the estate.
By the time I left the estate another drake was sat by the body, as if guarding it from further harm.
It was with great horror that we discover that it was the mate of Varnes longstanding frien, the small brown duck, who pops in for bread and will come into the house and sit in the hall given half a chance.
She quacked inconsolably into the early hours of the morning, but as hard as she tried, couldn't wake him back up again.
R.I.P. Street Drake. May your heaven have rivers enough for all.
His tiny mangled body was to be seen under the 'Preachers Lane' sign as you left the estate.
By the time I left the estate another drake was sat by the body, as if guarding it from further harm.
It was with great horror that we discover that it was the mate of Varnes longstanding frien, the small brown duck, who pops in for bread and will come into the house and sit in the hall given half a chance.
She quacked inconsolably into the early hours of the morning, but as hard as she tried, couldn't wake him back up again.
R.I.P. Street Drake. May your heaven have rivers enough for all.
UP
Tonight we would like to applaud Nellie, a hearing dog for the deaf, who saved her deaf owner and two children from molestation in a B & B in Stafford.
Gill Houghten, 48, was fast asleep at the B & B with her two children when all of a sudden Nellie jumped onto the bed, waking her up, she then laid down, indicating something was wrong.
Gill turned to find a drunken man in the doorway of her room, approaching with menaces.
Nellie leapt inbetween the intruder and her family and stood her ground until the man backed off.
Quite rightly, Nellie has been named Dog of the Month by the charity Hearing Dogs for the Deaf.
Well done Nellie!
Gill Houghten, 48, was fast asleep at the B & B with her two children when all of a sudden Nellie jumped onto the bed, waking her up, she then laid down, indicating something was wrong.
Gill turned to find a drunken man in the doorway of her room, approaching with menaces.
Nellie leapt inbetween the intruder and her family and stood her ground until the man backed off.
Quite rightly, Nellie has been named Dog of the Month by the charity Hearing Dogs for the Deaf.
Well done Nellie!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Bag
I'm afraid that Fing has seriously let the side down today.
Martha returned from work and left her jacket and her bag on the side while she immediately started to prepare the dogs dinner.
In the space of time it took to defrost the dinner and serve it to Trotter and Truly Lu, Fing went to toilet in her bag.
How he contained so much urine is a mystery, Martha said it was like a tsunami. The bag was full, there was a puddle in the middle of the jacket and the urine was dripping over the edge to the floor.
I can't imagine what must of happened today to upset him so, but Martha has had to throw away her bag and Fing is sulking underneath the table.
She's had a bit of a problem with bags recently, why, only the other week she forgot that she had a container of frozen dog food in her bag and discovered at work the next morning that it had defrosted, leaving the bag full of chicken casserole.
That bag too had to be thrown away.
So, it seems to be related to the dog food. I would offer to lend her a new bag, but with her track record its asking for trouble.
Martha returned from work and left her jacket and her bag on the side while she immediately started to prepare the dogs dinner.
In the space of time it took to defrost the dinner and serve it to Trotter and Truly Lu, Fing went to toilet in her bag.
How he contained so much urine is a mystery, Martha said it was like a tsunami. The bag was full, there was a puddle in the middle of the jacket and the urine was dripping over the edge to the floor.
I can't imagine what must of happened today to upset him so, but Martha has had to throw away her bag and Fing is sulking underneath the table.
She's had a bit of a problem with bags recently, why, only the other week she forgot that she had a container of frozen dog food in her bag and discovered at work the next morning that it had defrosted, leaving the bag full of chicken casserole.
That bag too had to be thrown away.
So, it seems to be related to the dog food. I would offer to lend her a new bag, but with her track record its asking for trouble.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Result
Oh! I forgot to tell you that the professional lino men were hot totty. They arrived all broad shouldered and bearing tool boxes and skinheads.
I nearly had palpitations but Trotter wasn't impressed as I made him sit on the stairs with me until they had finished, and by god, what a fabulous job they did!
Of course, it will only be a matter of time before the room is Trotterised but at the moment its like we've moved into a show home, or squatted some one else's house while they are away on holiday.
I nearly had palpitations but Trotter wasn't impressed as I made him sit on the stairs with me until they had finished, and by god, what a fabulous job they did!
Of course, it will only be a matter of time before the room is Trotterised but at the moment its like we've moved into a show home, or squatted some one else's house while they are away on holiday.
So long, and thanks for all the fish
'Who's that funny looking woman on your computer?' asked Martha
'It's me' I replied
'It's me' I replied
Friday, April 11, 2008
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