Raindrops

Oh Goodness, Trotter loves the rain.

He loves the cold and the damp and the feel of the raindrops as they splash on his little upturned furry face.

He loves to try and catch the raindrops and grumbles to himself as he splashes through puddles.

If it is a monsoon type deluge the excitement is too much and he barks and barks and gibbers and leaps at the rain, jaws working in overtime snapping away.

He likes to push his way through bushes to make himself more wet, he likes to bark at the ducks because he envys their watery riverside homes.

He does not care that everyone else does not like the rain, he says 'Fie!', to them all as he feels the rain hit his back and his paws splash through the wetness of the day.

Chubster

Tutz has been experiencing problems eating since the new kitchen refurbishment and its prolonged disasters, and so I have taken to feeding her in the safety of the bedroom, as near to the scratchy pole as possible.

(I originally put the bowl of food on top of the dresser, forgetting abvout Fing and his scrapy paw problem, and returned home to find the entire lot mulched into the trouser drawer, and my jeans all crusty with cat food)

So, As you are aware, Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has been suffering from an upset stomach. Not only this she has been off her food, yet mysteriously getting larger and larger and larger. We couldnt work out why.

How thick were we?

I went upstairs 2 days ago to find Lulus horrible little fat body, forced underneath the bed, consuming Tutz's dinner! All I could see were her little black paws, rather similar to the wicked witches feet after shes been cruched by the house.

I tried to remove her and had my right foot savaged as a thank you.

We are having to lock her into the sitting room as she has become so fat that if she trys to scratch her ear she rolls over backwards and struggles to get back up again.

Trotter's new thing

A lot has transpired since my last missive.

Trotter has taken to humping things.

He likes to hump his bowl, and he likes to hump my shoes. He is particulalrly fond of humping the throws because they are quiye large and it gives him something to mount.

Martha says that he is a dirty dog and tells him to stop, but I let him carry himself on, because at least when he is humping he's not barking.

Salutations!!!!!

It has been a long time Dear Hearts!

A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since our last entry - this is not even figuratively speaking! Oxford has been consumed by floods, luckily the residents of Preachers Lane were not affected by the rising waters of the Thames, apart from poor Trotter who drank some flood water in a puddle and ended up with a very upset tummy indeed.

Trotter was even more upset by his visit to the vets, even though it was Cameron Forbes who examined him. Mr Forbes, (otherwise know as Mr Cambell Gore) loves Trotter and is always upset by Trotters fevered reaction to him.

This time was no exception, as Trotter leapt like a bucking bronco on the examination table, leaving me and Mr Forbes covered in hair, although thankfully none of Trotters skanky dreadlocks snapped off because it would have been awful if we had found ourselves wearing them like moustaches.

Mr Forbes could find nothing apparently wrong with our boy but erred on the side of caution and gave him antibiotics, just in case. We have been feeding these to our boy disguised in cheese to take the edge off them.

Lulu was poorley the week before that, although it was not flood water that caused the damage. Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west was infact so poorly that she was pushing her food bowl away with her nose and staring at you in an accusatory fashion for daring to bring it near her when she was so ill. As a result the chubster has lost quite a considerable amount of weight and now has a waist, if you look at her in a good light and at the right angle.

Explain

A quick note to apologise for the lack of input recently, I have left my job and dropped my laptop on the floor, so do not have internet access anywhere.

As soon as I do, tales regarding your favourite pets in the whole wide world with recommence!

*buy Vanity Fair this month, theres a fabulous section on really expensive jewellery.

Medicine

It is a well known fact that the Chinese use animal parts in their traditional medicine.

It is not a well know fact that Crocodiles use human parts for their traditional medicines.

This human hand will help the Crocodile combat gout and scrofula, give him energy, a sense of enormous well being and will make him more virile.



*please do not try this at home. Cannibalism is illegal, and you need a wild animal license for crocodiles.

Kanga who?

It is a well known fact that Kangaroo's are professional boxers and live in Australia.

They can bounce very well, give birth to microscopic grubs and have a penchant for packed lunches.

It is not a well known fact that some Kangaroo's have to live in detention centres, like this one, on tiny Islands of the Coast of Australia.

These are the Kangaroo's who have been found convicted of drink driving, refusing to call women 'Sheila' whilst insinuating everyone else is a flaming Galah, and for throwing too many shrimp on the barby.

It is in these hostile and unwelcoming detention centre's that they are weaned off their fosters addiction, taught the correct use of colloquialisms and how to drive safely while under the influence of barbeque food.

Run's

Trotter loves the new kitchen, as it gives him extra space in which to race up and down in a pointless happy fashion, especially when he has had one of his poo's upstairs, as it gives him a bit more of a run up to the coffee table.

Hi Honey, I'm Home!

Its been a long time my friends, much has happened in between times.


My last entry concerned Marthas confusion and my concussion, thankfully I am over the concussion which left me house bound for a week. Unfortunately Martha is still very confused.

I have been to Blackpool Pride.

Fing has been to the Pan-Pacific dance competition in Australia where he made the heats but was shimmied out of the competition by a Brazilian with liquid hips, a mullet and a lovely waxed moustache. Fing watched from the side lines and decided next year would be his year and wondered where to get wax for moustaches.

Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face and Tutz entered the Cheese Rolling competition at Coopers Hill in Gloustershire. having four legs they had the advantage over all the stupid bipeds who cartwheeled their way to the bottom of the hill.

Lulu has been flying her kite. Know that there is a gate in the back garden she has found it easier to get to the Green Hill and stand on top to watch the beautiful kite flutter in the wind.

Fat Boy Faggot has been writing to his pen pals, drinking champagne and leading his usual life of idolatry and hedonism.

And Trotter? Trotter has been alternating between exceptionally good and exceptionally bad, almost as if his brain is trying to make a decision, finally, which way to go. He has been exceptionally good as Ali and Fly ripped out the kitchen and installed all the new units, he laid on the sofa and didn't bark or moan.

However, the price for all this goodness all day long is a build up of badness that hasn't had time to escape in the day.

Trotter has escaped 3 times, the first was on Friday when I was wearing a dress and high heels that hadn't been designed for chasing small shabby dogs around council estates. The following 2 occasions were on Saturday and caused such mayhem around the estate that a new child gate was purchased and firmly fixed to the wall.

Trotter is barking more in the mornings, almost as a prelude to his goodness throughout the day. Now that the house is open plan the sound reverberates around the house like machine gun fire and is very distressing at ten to 7 in the morning.

Trotter has taking to Shoe-mining in my bedroom and a large collection of my shoes are in the potpourri as a safety measure.

Because Trotter is being so completely naughty at night he sleeps like a little angel, and when I get up in the morning he is so fast asleep that the little bugger doesn't even wake up until I have returned from the bath. He lifts his little whiskery head and stretches his wretched little body and looks so cute with his sleepy face that you remember why its all worth while.

Ouchy

It has been a trying week.

First of all I get a verbal warning for not reaching my core responsibilities, then to add insult to injury, Ashley, Kelly and Myself end up in some ridiculous brawl and end up all covered in cuts and bruises.

It wasn't till yesterday that I discovered that I have concussion and am, under no circumstances, allowed on any rollercoasters.

The pets have been absolute angels and have rallied round to help.

Lulu has acted as a hot water bottle and has kept me warm and snug. Trotter has moderated his barking so the reverberations do not rattle around my head like shotgun fire. Giggsey Girl the stupid Slug Face has taken to making vast quantities of tea and Fing has been answering the door and replying to the post. Fat Boy Faggot has been doing the cleaning.

Unfortunately, Martha has some new high blood pressure tablets, one of the side effects of which are confusion.

I'm concussed, Marthas confused.

Can you find it in your hearts to pray for us?

One day in May

THE WEEKEND IS HERE!

Trotters and Fing are planning a trip to the coast in Fings Ferrari, now that the new dog ramp that supports canines of up to 20 stone has arrived, the world is their oyster. Fing has purchased a lovely picnic hamper and has filled it full with all of their favourite things.

There is mineral water or Lauren Perrier to drink. There is cubed cheese and sliced chicken to eat. There is Old Cat Iams and Young Adventurous Dog Iams to suck on during the journey down. As a treat for the beach there is is caviar with pickled eggs and a packet of Revels for dessert.

Trotter and Fing know how to live in style.

Meanwhile, Tutz will be cleaning her scratchy pole whilst listening to Amy Winehouse.

Martha will be pottering around in her own world of madness.

Varne will go to bed hoping that she is not woken up by men in drag in the early hours of the morning.

Lulu is posing in front of the mirror upstairs as she has just got back from the poodle parlour and has such a lovely new haircut that she is transfixed by the sight of her shapely little figure in the mirror. The excess hair made her look 3 stone heavier she decides.

Fat Boy Faggot is preparing for a trip to the Vauxhall Tavern and a brief sojourn in Chariots, perhaps, if the fancy takes him.

And Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug face? She hasn't decided what she wants to do this weekend, and may purchase a bottle of Silver Merrydown, just for old times sake.

Little Warrior

George 1999 - 2007


As you are aware, last week, George, a Jack Russell from New Zealand selflessly gave up his own life to save the lives of 5 children he had been playing with.

The SPCK has postumously awarded the little fellow a bravery medal, and US Vietnam veteran Jerrell Hudman was so moved by the story he decided to forward his own Purple Heart to honour the little dogs bravery.

The SPCA medal is usually awarded to people for their bravery in defending animals.

"George was a very brave little dog who almost certainly prevented severe injury, if not death, to at least one of the children,'' SPCA chief executive Robyn Kippenberger said.

"It's truly tragic that he paid with his own life for his instinctive act of courage.''

Hudman, 58, of Austin, Texas was a US Marine for 30 years and said he decided to send his Purple Heart to George's owner Alan Gay after reading the news on the Internet because the dog was "a little warrior''.

The Purple Heart is awarded to those killed or injured fighting for the US military.

'He saved my life'

*Thanks to the Daily Telegraph for pictures

Once upon a Madness

I suppose you all wonder how the Fancy Dress Party went?

Its not easy though, is it?

We got ready at Mine, Fillipa a vision in pink satin and Gru looking like a crack-whore in turquoise. We left mine to be subject to a flurry of homophobic abuse from some neanderthal teenagers with a combined IQ of a peanut, who then proceeded to follow us round to the pub in a threatening manner.

Luckily, have high heels can travel, even in a slightly lopsy manner, and we teetered all the way to the pub without mishap.

It was the usual sort of Fancy Dress Party, with Fillipa pulling up her satin tights in the middle of the pub without a shred of decorum, while Gru sat there with his legs wide open like a Labourer in the wrong place at the wrong time, and in a dress by accident.

We all got drunk and then a large group of us weaved our way to the Coven.

It was shortly afterwards that 2 drunks arrived at the pub and tried to make off with the charity money on the door.

Thankfully Robin Hood and Maid Marion and an assortment of dwarves were there to pin one to the ground, while Tweedle Dum, Puss in Boots, Prince Charming, Hermes, Alice and Wonderland, The Queen of Hearts and the White Rabbit stood round and watched. One of the thieves escaped over the balcony in the style of Spiderman, he obviously didn't realise that the Super hero's party is in June.

Tranmission Vamp

I hae to apologise for the lack of tranmission. I have been subject to a brutal and completely unnecessary disciplinary at work at the hands of my evil and twisted manager, and have spent days formulating my defence.

Full story and pics later.

Once Upon a Time

The day has arrived.

I have been out and purchased a new basket to go with my lovely red velvet cloak.

Gruey was so overcome with excitement at the thought of going out in drag that he couldn't stop himself from bouncing up and down on the bed, despite poor Wayne trying to have a lie in.

I have to go to Primark for pink tights to go with Filipa's fuschia silk dress, and boots for glitter spray for our hair.

Ezra has been out to the shops and purchased an outfit, but refuses to divulge its kind.

Full story and pics later!

Hero

I read a story earlier that bought a lump to my throat, and which had already reduced Lulu to tears.

This week in New Zealand a tiny dog faced huge odds to protect 5 children that were not even his own.

George, a tiny jack Russel, met some of his neighbours children on the way home from the sweet shop and was playing with them when suddenly, 2 pit bull terriers rounded the corner.

The pit bulls were out for blood, and barking and snarling ran towards the children

George knew what he had to do.

At under a foot high and with a heart condition, the tiny dog, with that damaged heart that was still bigger than a lion's, raced towards the pit bulls. He ran at them and charged in with his small compact terrier body.

So, of course, the pit bulls turned their attention to the wonderful, heroic little creature, and the children ran away to safety.

George was still alive when they found him, but had been so badly mauled that he could not be repaired, and was put to sleep.

I don't know if dog's go to heaven, but if they do George will be sat on a golden cushion, where he will never want for anything, ever again. He will never again feel the wind on his back, or the sun on his face, but one day he will be reunited with the children whose lives he saved, and with everyone who ever loved him.

Rest in peace wee man.

If

In the 1940's there were only 40 Siberian Tigers left in the wild.

With a hunting ban put in place and help from conservation societies, within 60 years the population has risen to 600.

If we put our minds to it we could still have orangutans in 20 years time, we could save the mountain gorrillas from the mists, we could stop global warming so that polar bears and penguins had lovely freezing places to be.

If we really wanted to, we could.

Wings of a duck

The Street Ducks had learnt their lesson from yesterdays madness and had roosted high on the embankment where Truly Scrumptious Lulu's fat little body couldn't get them.

This one watched me with a beady duck eye while his friends practised their line dancing routines.

Dawn of the Duck

This morning, on our walk, Truly Scumptious Lulu, Trotter and Myself were approached by some street ducks.

The Street Ducks were all sitting in the shade of the cherry trees by the bank and were all quacking softly to themselves in the shade as a light mist rose off the river into the hazy morning sunshine.

Lulu was sniffing the grass and Trotters was just standing there so I stood to take the air and the pretty view, when all of a sudden a little brown female made a bee line for us, presuming we had food.

We all stood there for a moment, when all of a sudden and with no warning, Lulu slipped her lead and ran amongst the sleeping ducks and scattered them to the four winds, while Trotters barked and tugged on his lead.

Everytime I got near her she would suddenly hair off in a different direction, until all the street ducks had taken to the tree's and I was bright red in the face.

I am of the firm opinion that you should always let sleeping ducks lie but all Lulu can see is crispy fried duck in a lovely pancake with hoisin sauce. If you are Duck Boy however you can only find ducks on the continent.

May Day

Once again it is glorious May Morning, when those with very little common sense like to toss themselves off Magdelen Bridge into the shallow waters of the river in order to break limbs and maim themselves.

This customary tossing is watched by a crowd of bloodthirsty maniacs who like to encourage the tossers by cheering in an exuberant fashion hoping to catch sight of a broken ankle, bloodied nose or fractured skull when the tossers are ferried back up the bank up by emergency services.

This year then, both the tossers and the braying mob would have been sorely disappointed as the police closed off the bridge and refused to join in with the May Day festivities.

Common sense prevailed and the crowd, looking for blood and carrying a Wickerman, burning brands, and an assortment of pitchforks, went on a witch hunt instead.

Meanwhile, normal people danced around hitting each other over the heads with inflated pigs bladders on sticks, bells round their toes and waving hankies in the air. Other normal people could be seen dressed as tree's, or with large horns attached to their head, and many more wore large hats covered in spring flowers.

Thankfully there was a large proportion of the extremely drunk who evened out the odds a little, and a good time was had by all.