He had quite forgotten they existed and was over the moon.
He stopped to consider Monster Munch, had they really been much larger than they are today, or was it just that his paws had got bigger?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Contemplation
It was with complete and utter delight that Fing happened to stumble across some Worcestershire Sauce flavour Wheat Chrunchies in a small newsagents on St Giles earlier.
He had quite forgotten they existed and was over the moon.
He stopped to consider Monster Munch, had they really been much larger than they are today, or was it just that his paws had got bigger?
He had quite forgotten they existed and was over the moon.
He stopped to consider Monster Munch, had they really been much larger than they are today, or was it just that his paws had got bigger?
Never take
Last night was horrible.
Trotter had some sort of seizure and didn't know who any of us were. He was frightened of us all and wouldn't come for a cuddle. He sat at the top of the stairs and wouldn't speak to anyone, even though Fing, Faggot and Fizzgigg tried their hardest by weaving their stupid slinky bodies around his and miaowing in his face.
It got so bad we wanted to take him to our vet, Mr Gore, but he advised us to leave him to his own devises and see how he was in the morning, 'He is, after all' he said 'a very unusual little dog'.
He didn't come to until this morning, after a night of shivering and unhappiness.
I sat and stroked him and suddenly he looked at me and it was like the mist was gone from his mind and he suddenly wagged his tail and grumbled at me then went to lick Faggot on the head.
A bit of a lesson never to take anything for granted I think.
Trotter had some sort of seizure and didn't know who any of us were. He was frightened of us all and wouldn't come for a cuddle. He sat at the top of the stairs and wouldn't speak to anyone, even though Fing, Faggot and Fizzgigg tried their hardest by weaving their stupid slinky bodies around his and miaowing in his face.
It got so bad we wanted to take him to our vet, Mr Gore, but he advised us to leave him to his own devises and see how he was in the morning, 'He is, after all' he said 'a very unusual little dog'.
He didn't come to until this morning, after a night of shivering and unhappiness.
I sat and stroked him and suddenly he looked at me and it was like the mist was gone from his mind and he suddenly wagged his tail and grumbled at me then went to lick Faggot on the head.
A bit of a lesson never to take anything for granted I think.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Quiet night out
As you are aware we live on a very noisy estate full of unexpected and unusual sounds, if it isn't the pets singing carols, or Andre making his penthouse kennel for Hercules, Uncle Ernie on his motorized wheelchair or Varne and I coming home drunk, then it's something else.
Sometimes, in fact a lot of the times, the noise can stem from youths who tend to loiter indiscriminately and clutter up our street corners. Having no set bed time, curfew, or a desire to wake up the next morning, they can be outside well past half past 9 most evenings.
Until recently the estate has put up with the rapping, shrieking and general noisiness of the youths, but not any longer.
Oh no, Mrs Warboise has snapped!
She has taken to leaving the house in her long white nightie and dressing gown and floating towards the indiscriminate youths with menaces in her eyes.
The indiscriminate youths, who may be young but are not foolish, have taken to scarpering with apologies tumbling from their mouths.
Rock on Mrs Warboise!
Sometimes, in fact a lot of the times, the noise can stem from youths who tend to loiter indiscriminately and clutter up our street corners. Having no set bed time, curfew, or a desire to wake up the next morning, they can be outside well past half past 9 most evenings.
Until recently the estate has put up with the rapping, shrieking and general noisiness of the youths, but not any longer.
Oh no, Mrs Warboise has snapped!
She has taken to leaving the house in her long white nightie and dressing gown and floating towards the indiscriminate youths with menaces in her eyes.
The indiscriminate youths, who may be young but are not foolish, have taken to scarpering with apologies tumbling from their mouths.
Rock on Mrs Warboise!
Quiet night in
'Silent Night Holy Night
All is Calm All is Bright,
Round yon virgin Mother and Child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly Peace'
Sings Trotter, practising his solo piece for the Carol Concert from the top of the stairs.
'Silent Night Holy Night
Son of God Oh loves pure light
Radiant beams from thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus Lord at Thy birth...Oh Jesus Lord at Thy birth'
He can hear a muted noise in the background which he takes to be applause so increases his volume for the final verse!
'Sleep
Sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace'
Tragically it is not applause but an angry mob outside with pitchforks and burning effigy's who are shouting, 'HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH THAT RACKET GOING ON?'
'Heathen's' sniffs Fing in disdain, peering out of the bathroom window.
All is Calm All is Bright,
Round yon virgin Mother and Child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly Peace'
Sings Trotter, practising his solo piece for the Carol Concert from the top of the stairs.
'Silent Night Holy Night
Son of God Oh loves pure light
Radiant beams from thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus Lord at Thy birth...Oh Jesus Lord at Thy birth'
He can hear a muted noise in the background which he takes to be applause so increases his volume for the final verse!
'Sleep
Sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace'
Tragically it is not applause but an angry mob outside with pitchforks and burning effigy's who are shouting, 'HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP WITH THAT RACKET GOING ON?'
'Heathen's' sniffs Fing in disdain, peering out of the bathroom window.
Formal Apology
We at Trotter and Fing would like to make a formal apology to Rez, from Cuddesdon, who we have formally referred to as Res.
We did not intend to cause insult or injury by the misspelling and hope your viewing pleasure hasn't been impaired.
We did not intend to cause insult or injury by the misspelling and hope your viewing pleasure hasn't been impaired.
Friday, November 24, 2006
The Oracle at Delphi
Fing knows the meaning of everything, life, the universe, pork scratchings, everything.
If you look deep into his beautiful eyes you will find the answer. That or feel compelled to feed him.
It can work either way for me.
Today is the day that is
Lulu is guarding something in the bedroom. We don't know what and with every probability, she probably doesn't know either.
Faggot is laying in the bath on a towel that Marth puts there for him every morning.
Tutz is playing boules underneath the bed.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face is doing jury service in the crown court and is currently listening in on a very interesting fraud case. She has decided to find the man guilty as she finds his appearance very distasteful and is irritated by his ingratiating subservient manner.
Hercules is looking at his unfinished kennel with longing through the back door, it would be finished apart from the fact that some arsehole complained about the banging and a drilling in the dark and Andre has been forced to down tools.
At the pub Captain Jack and Lucas by Day (Duncan by Night) have a new exercise routine. They have a new treadmill and are taking it in turns to run whilst watching old Catherine Tate DVD's.
Tiny Margo has driven her Lamborghini to Biscester Village and is shopping for a new beaded collar and a satin jacket to keep out the cold.
Lou and Res are at Whittenham Clumps, just for a change, and are admiring the view of the Oxfordshire country side.
Ginge is asleep on his favourite blanket next to the attractive singing lobster that Uncle Ernie purchased for Varne from the Antique Market.
Trotter has made a comfy place for himself on the landing by dragging my dressing gown out of my bedroom and rouching it into an attractive heap by the bathroom door.
Fing, having no respect or care for the feeling of others, has pissed in it, and left it there to upset Trotter later.
Little bastard.
Faggot is laying in the bath on a towel that Marth puts there for him every morning.
Tutz is playing boules underneath the bed.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face is doing jury service in the crown court and is currently listening in on a very interesting fraud case. She has decided to find the man guilty as she finds his appearance very distasteful and is irritated by his ingratiating subservient manner.
Hercules is looking at his unfinished kennel with longing through the back door, it would be finished apart from the fact that some arsehole complained about the banging and a drilling in the dark and Andre has been forced to down tools.
At the pub Captain Jack and Lucas by Day (Duncan by Night) have a new exercise routine. They have a new treadmill and are taking it in turns to run whilst watching old Catherine Tate DVD's.
Tiny Margo has driven her Lamborghini to Biscester Village and is shopping for a new beaded collar and a satin jacket to keep out the cold.
Lou and Res are at Whittenham Clumps, just for a change, and are admiring the view of the Oxfordshire country side.
Ginge is asleep on his favourite blanket next to the attractive singing lobster that Uncle Ernie purchased for Varne from the Antique Market.
Trotter has made a comfy place for himself on the landing by dragging my dressing gown out of my bedroom and rouching it into an attractive heap by the bathroom door.
Fing, having no respect or care for the feeling of others, has pissed in it, and left it there to upset Trotter later.
Little bastard.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Together
We go together like
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!
We're one of a kind
Like dip di-dip di-dip
Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
boog-e-dy
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
We'll always be like one
Wa-wa-wa-waaa!
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
A wop ba-ba lu-mop
A wop bam boom
rama lama lama
ke ding a de dinga a dong
remembered for ever like
shoo bop shoo wadda wadda yipitty boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
That's the way it should be
Wha oooh yeah!
We're one of a kind
Like dip di-dip di-dip
Doo-bop a doo-bee doo
Our names are signed
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
boog-e-dy
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang
shoo-bop
We'll always be like one
Wa-wa-wa-waaa!
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding a da ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-ed-y
Shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-y boom de boom
Ra-ma la-ma la-ma ka ding-a de ding de dong
Shoo-bop sha wad-da wad-da yipp-it-y boom de boom
Chang chang chang-it-ty chang shoo-bop
Dip da-dip da-dip doo-wop da doo-bee doo
Boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy boog-e-dy
shoo-by doo-wop she-bop
Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na yip-pit-ty boom de boom
A wop ba-ba lu-mop
A wop bam boom
28 days, later
The pets had an enormously exciting shopping spree and loaded up the trolley with boxes of Turkish delight, sets of smellies from Boots, slipper socks and all the other weird shit that you can only find at Christmas and no one really needs.
They decided that a little pat on the back was the order of the day so popped into HaHa and accidentally discovered that all bottles of wine and most cocktails were a 3rd off which was a recipe for disaster to be fair.
They staggered home, 2 hours later, having completely forgotten they were supposed to be buying a Chinese for everyone. When they did, eventually get home and looked at all they had bought, they realised it really wasn't all that much after all and were left feeling slightly tarnished by the whole affair.
They decided that a little pat on the back was the order of the day so popped into HaHa and accidentally discovered that all bottles of wine and most cocktails were a 3rd off which was a recipe for disaster to be fair.
They staggered home, 2 hours later, having completely forgotten they were supposed to be buying a Chinese for everyone. When they did, eventually get home and looked at all they had bought, they realised it really wasn't all that much after all and were left feeling slightly tarnished by the whole affair.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
28 days before
Fing is taking the other pets Christmas Shopping today. The other pets are very very excited.
Trotter is stood expectantly by the front door in his favourite woolly scarf and hat, wagging his tail. Tutz and Giggsey are in the shopping trolley, Faggot has a cashmere scarf and a Prada bag over one shoulder and Lulu is bringing up the rear in a lovely tartan jacket.
Fing has everyone's pocket money firmly in his grasp and they set off towards Primark singing the Pogues 'Fairytale', can you hear them?
'You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot' sing the cats in purrrfect harmony
'Happy Christmas you arse, I pray god it's your last!!!!' sing the dogs.
Oh, how we love Christmas
Trotter is stood expectantly by the front door in his favourite woolly scarf and hat, wagging his tail. Tutz and Giggsey are in the shopping trolley, Faggot has a cashmere scarf and a Prada bag over one shoulder and Lulu is bringing up the rear in a lovely tartan jacket.
Fing has everyone's pocket money firmly in his grasp and they set off towards Primark singing the Pogues 'Fairytale', can you hear them?
'You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot' sing the cats in purrrfect harmony
'Happy Christmas you arse, I pray god it's your last!!!!' sing the dogs.
Oh, how we love Christmas
Monday, November 20, 2006
Sting!
Its awful having a great big itchy sneeze up your nose that just wont go away.
Unfortunately Captain Jack happened to mention this aloud while Lucas by day (Duncan by Night) was having a lucid moment.
'I have heard', say Lucas by day (Duncan by night) that if you have a nasty itchy sneeze up your nose, that sniffing black pepper will help it to come out', then became distracted by absolutelty nothing at all and went to wag his tail whilst standing with his head to one side, looking expectantly into the corner of the room.
Why Captain Jack decided to listen to the words of of a dog who spends the best part of his day chasing shadows and looking at walls we will never know.
Poor Captain Jack.
FISH
Did you know that every year in December European Ministers meet to try and decide who can fish what from where, they make these decisions despite warnings from the scientific community that fishing should be suspended for fish stocks to recover.
For the past five years the International Council for the Exploration of the Sea (ICES) have advised that no cod should be fished from UK waters, so that populations have a chance to recover.
But since this advice was first issued in 2001, 437,000 tonnes of cod have been taken from the North Sea alone, leaving the population at one third the minimum safe level.
Scandalously, every year tens of thousands of tonnes of fish are thrown back into the sea, dead or dying, by fisherman targeting other fish species.
Over half of North Sea cod are simply discarded overboard because they are too small.
And it's not just cod. Numbers of adult fish across many of Europe's fish stocks are just 10% of what they were 30 years ago.*
(of course in Iceland, the whales are to blame for the decrease in the fish stock, it has nothing what so ever to do with the idiot fishermen at all, but I digress)
So anyway - please can you log on to
http://wwf.org.uk/stopoverfishing
And take a couple of minutes to send an email to the secretary of state asking him, politely, to put his fucking foot down and do not give in the the whinging, whining fishermen and do something about this.
Before its too late.
*Info from the WWF website
For the past five years the International Council for the Exploration of the Sea (ICES) have advised that no cod should be fished from UK waters, so that populations have a chance to recover.
But since this advice was first issued in 2001, 437,000 tonnes of cod have been taken from the North Sea alone, leaving the population at one third the minimum safe level.
Scandalously, every year tens of thousands of tonnes of fish are thrown back into the sea, dead or dying, by fisherman targeting other fish species.
Over half of North Sea cod are simply discarded overboard because they are too small.
And it's not just cod. Numbers of adult fish across many of Europe's fish stocks are just 10% of what they were 30 years ago.*
(of course in Iceland, the whales are to blame for the decrease in the fish stock, it has nothing what so ever to do with the idiot fishermen at all, but I digress)
So anyway - please can you log on to
http://wwf.org.uk/stopoverfishing
And take a couple of minutes to send an email to the secretary of state asking him, politely, to put his fucking foot down and do not give in the the whinging, whining fishermen and do something about this.
Before its too late.
*Info from the WWF website
Friday, November 17, 2006
Beyond Measure
People ask me how much I love Fing,
'How much do you love Fing?', they say
I love Fing so much, I reply, that when he pisses into my beautiful, BEAUTIFUL, brand new red shoes that I laugh, wash them, then put them on the shelves like some random ornaments to dry, and when I still can't get the smell out I borrow Milan's cedar shoe tree's and force them into my ruby slippers to try to get the smell out and even though nothing has worked and the piss has taken some of the coulour out, becuase I love them so much, I keep them on top of my wardrobe with the shoe tree's in in the vain, stupid hope that one day, one day, I will be able to wear them again.
Thats one fuck of a lot of love my friends.
'How much do you love Fing?', they say
I love Fing so much, I reply, that when he pisses into my beautiful, BEAUTIFUL, brand new red shoes that I laugh, wash them, then put them on the shelves like some random ornaments to dry, and when I still can't get the smell out I borrow Milan's cedar shoe tree's and force them into my ruby slippers to try to get the smell out and even though nothing has worked and the piss has taken some of the coulour out, becuase I love them so much, I keep them on top of my wardrobe with the shoe tree's in in the vain, stupid hope that one day, one day, I will be able to wear them again.
Thats one fuck of a lot of love my friends.
Unmeasurable
Some people have asked me how much I love Trotter.
'How much do you love Trotter?' they say.
I love him so much, I reply, that I do not mind when he sits on my bare feet and his little hairy testicles nestle against my skin.
Thats a lot of love my friends.
'How much do you love Trotter?' they say.
I love him so much, I reply, that I do not mind when he sits on my bare feet and his little hairy testicles nestle against my skin.
Thats a lot of love my friends.
Social Housing
There have been bangings on the estate of late, in the darkness.
Bangings, and drillings and sawing, all under cover of the night.
We all wondered what it could be that was causing the bang and drill and complained about the noisiness of the entire affair, we stood in our windows with nosy neighbour syndrome and twitched our nets in a dissatisfied way.
But last night all was revealed as Andre finally proudly uncovered Hercules new delux hand built kennel to stunned estate.
The kennel is 6feet tall and then four by four.It has a raised floor with underfloor heating, it has satelite TV and a jacuzzi for Hercules bitches (when he gets older of course).
Martha was so impressed by the kennel she asked Andre if there was any possibility that she could use it as her retirement bungalow, but I don't think Hercules will want to share.
Bangings, and drillings and sawing, all under cover of the night.
We all wondered what it could be that was causing the bang and drill and complained about the noisiness of the entire affair, we stood in our windows with nosy neighbour syndrome and twitched our nets in a dissatisfied way.
But last night all was revealed as Andre finally proudly uncovered Hercules new delux hand built kennel to stunned estate.
The kennel is 6feet tall and then four by four.It has a raised floor with underfloor heating, it has satelite TV and a jacuzzi for Hercules bitches (when he gets older of course).
Martha was so impressed by the kennel she asked Andre if there was any possibility that she could use it as her retirement bungalow, but I don't think Hercules will want to share.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Still
Trotter had a break from the old routine and tried calmness last night.
He stood quietly and looked at us.
He sat with inner peace and meditated.
He listened to whale songs and considered the power of crystals.
At bedtime he was tranquil and didn't bark at the doors.
All in all it was rather unsettling and we kept on asking if he was ok, as it was decidedly peculiar, especially if you consider that he has been on his hot line to the devil for the last week.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Why?
Have I told you that Fing has taken to waking me up just before 6am every morning?
I can only wonder at his motives and reasons.
Then, If I knew the reasons and motives behind all his odd behavioural patterns I could probably become a famous cat psychologist and travel the world persuading illmanned and unrepentant cats to behave in a seemly and pleasant manner.
Of course, the other option is that he's an artifact of an alien intelligence sent here to test me.
If so the aliens must think the worlds a totally fucked up place.
I can only wonder at his motives and reasons.
Then, If I knew the reasons and motives behind all his odd behavioural patterns I could probably become a famous cat psychologist and travel the world persuading illmanned and unrepentant cats to behave in a seemly and pleasant manner.
Of course, the other option is that he's an artifact of an alien intelligence sent here to test me.
If so the aliens must think the worlds a totally fucked up place.
Time and a place
Dogs do to not like it when humans play ball games without them.
There are places in the world where Dogs have become quite militant about this and have taken to forcing their way into pool halls and clambering onto the pool table.
Once on the table they like to show their dissatisfaction by barking at would be competitors and by licking their testicles in an openly defiant manner.
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