I became aware that Martha was staring at me intently.
'What!?!' i cried,
'One of your eyes looks different to the other' she advised, then continued with the unsettling staring.
'Maybe your face has always been lop sided but i've never noticed it until now'
Well, thanks for that Martha.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
42
Trotter has spent the day thinking.
He doesn't think of much as we know, most of his time is spent pondering single questions such as
'When will Martha be home?'
'How much urine have i got in my bladder, as it seems quite a lot and i don't know if that's normal for such a small shabby dog'
'.................'
'What am i actually thinking about?'
Today he has been wondering why the gate has fallen off and if it had anything to do with him, as he is quite certain that whether it has or not, he will somehow get the blame.
After a day of deep thought he decided to push the mood lamp off the side in front of us when we got home so to be sure he got the blame for exactley the right thing.
He doesn't think of much as we know, most of his time is spent pondering single questions such as
'When will Martha be home?'
'How much urine have i got in my bladder, as it seems quite a lot and i don't know if that's normal for such a small shabby dog'
'.................'
'What am i actually thinking about?'
Today he has been wondering why the gate has fallen off and if it had anything to do with him, as he is quite certain that whether it has or not, he will somehow get the blame.
After a day of deep thought he decided to push the mood lamp off the side in front of us when we got home so to be sure he got the blame for exactley the right thing.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sadness
It is with great sadness that we report the death of one of the neighbourhood Street Ducks, who was spotted by Martha as she went to work this morning.
His tiny mangled body was to be seen under the 'Preachers Lane' sign as you left the estate.
By the time I left the estate another drake was sat by the body, as if guarding it from further harm.
It was with great horror that we discover that it was the mate of Varnes longstanding frien, the small brown duck, who pops in for bread and will come into the house and sit in the hall given half a chance.
She quacked inconsolably into the early hours of the morning, but as hard as she tried, couldn't wake him back up again.
R.I.P. Street Drake. May your heaven have rivers enough for all.
His tiny mangled body was to be seen under the 'Preachers Lane' sign as you left the estate.
By the time I left the estate another drake was sat by the body, as if guarding it from further harm.
It was with great horror that we discover that it was the mate of Varnes longstanding frien, the small brown duck, who pops in for bread and will come into the house and sit in the hall given half a chance.
She quacked inconsolably into the early hours of the morning, but as hard as she tried, couldn't wake him back up again.
R.I.P. Street Drake. May your heaven have rivers enough for all.
UP
Tonight we would like to applaud Nellie, a hearing dog for the deaf, who saved her deaf owner and two children from molestation in a B & B in Stafford.
Gill Houghten, 48, was fast asleep at the B & B with her two children when all of a sudden Nellie jumped onto the bed, waking her up, she then laid down, indicating something was wrong.
Gill turned to find a drunken man in the doorway of her room, approaching with menaces.
Nellie leapt inbetween the intruder and her family and stood her ground until the man backed off.
Quite rightly, Nellie has been named Dog of the Month by the charity Hearing Dogs for the Deaf.
Well done Nellie!
Gill Houghten, 48, was fast asleep at the B & B with her two children when all of a sudden Nellie jumped onto the bed, waking her up, she then laid down, indicating something was wrong.
Gill turned to find a drunken man in the doorway of her room, approaching with menaces.
Nellie leapt inbetween the intruder and her family and stood her ground until the man backed off.
Quite rightly, Nellie has been named Dog of the Month by the charity Hearing Dogs for the Deaf.
Well done Nellie!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Bag
I'm afraid that Fing has seriously let the side down today.
Martha returned from work and left her jacket and her bag on the side while she immediately started to prepare the dogs dinner.
In the space of time it took to defrost the dinner and serve it to Trotter and Truly Lu, Fing went to toilet in her bag.
How he contained so much urine is a mystery, Martha said it was like a tsunami. The bag was full, there was a puddle in the middle of the jacket and the urine was dripping over the edge to the floor.
I can't imagine what must of happened today to upset him so, but Martha has had to throw away her bag and Fing is sulking underneath the table.
She's had a bit of a problem with bags recently, why, only the other week she forgot that she had a container of frozen dog food in her bag and discovered at work the next morning that it had defrosted, leaving the bag full of chicken casserole.
That bag too had to be thrown away.
So, it seems to be related to the dog food. I would offer to lend her a new bag, but with her track record its asking for trouble.
Martha returned from work and left her jacket and her bag on the side while she immediately started to prepare the dogs dinner.
In the space of time it took to defrost the dinner and serve it to Trotter and Truly Lu, Fing went to toilet in her bag.
How he contained so much urine is a mystery, Martha said it was like a tsunami. The bag was full, there was a puddle in the middle of the jacket and the urine was dripping over the edge to the floor.
I can't imagine what must of happened today to upset him so, but Martha has had to throw away her bag and Fing is sulking underneath the table.
She's had a bit of a problem with bags recently, why, only the other week she forgot that she had a container of frozen dog food in her bag and discovered at work the next morning that it had defrosted, leaving the bag full of chicken casserole.
That bag too had to be thrown away.
So, it seems to be related to the dog food. I would offer to lend her a new bag, but with her track record its asking for trouble.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Result
Oh! I forgot to tell you that the professional lino men were hot totty. They arrived all broad shouldered and bearing tool boxes and skinheads.
I nearly had palpitations but Trotter wasn't impressed as I made him sit on the stairs with me until they had finished, and by god, what a fabulous job they did!
Of course, it will only be a matter of time before the room is Trotterised but at the moment its like we've moved into a show home, or squatted some one else's house while they are away on holiday.
I nearly had palpitations but Trotter wasn't impressed as I made him sit on the stairs with me until they had finished, and by god, what a fabulous job they did!
Of course, it will only be a matter of time before the room is Trotterised but at the moment its like we've moved into a show home, or squatted some one else's house while they are away on holiday.
So long, and thanks for all the fish
'Who's that funny looking woman on your computer?' asked Martha
'It's me' I replied
'It's me' I replied
Friday, April 11, 2008
Warning!
This is a warning to everyone!
Do not be complacent!
There is a Street Duck near you waiting for you to leave the house so he can break in and make off with your bread and soft furnishings!
This is a warning!
I found this drake outside Varnes front door where he had been busking with a banjo and tap dancing. All of it a ruse to distract Varne, so as soon as she left to go up town he could whip in and help himself to tea and cake.
Street Ducks are nefarious by nature!
Street Ducks are devilishly deviant!
Street Ducks do not wade into water!
Street Ducks will take the shoes off your feet, the clothes off your back and will shit in your front yard for good measure!
This has been a Street Duck warning from the institute of moral turpitude.
Lino Day P2
As we wait for the lino man to arrive I find myself on the 5th step of the stairs with Truly Lu on the 2nd, Trotter on the 3rd, Fing on the 7th and Giggsey Girl on the 6th.
Pet jam on the stairs! Alert! Pet jam!
There is, unfortunately, no where else to sit.
We have an ETA of half an hour.
Lino day P1
Well, we couldn't have picked a better day for lino day.
The last 3 days have been a sunny delight of warmth and the promise of spring. As I type, the 3 seater sofa is in the back garden and hailstones as big as your head are crashing down smashing the pot plants and wrecking everything.
Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has cobbled together a protective cover for the sofa using black bin bags and masking tape. As the lino hasn't been laid yet we wont be able to determine its effectiveness until much later.
Trotter and Fat Boy Faggot moved the temporary greenhouse to the bottom of the garden in order for Fly and Myself to move the 3 seater outside. While the lovely little temporary structure has weathered all the storms of winter in the security of the back porch, 5 minutes in the open air has left it collapsed at the bottom of the garden like a giant mutant jellyfish has found its way into te back garden and died with the confusion of it all.
I'm sitting here on the 2 seater, which we have temporarily left inside, with Truly Lu on one side and Trotter on the other. I presume the cats are seeking sanctuary in the luxury of the upstairs because at the moment it feels like I'm sitting in an up market squat.
I say the lino hasn't been laid yet, the man hasn't even arrived yet.
The last 3 days have been a sunny delight of warmth and the promise of spring. As I type, the 3 seater sofa is in the back garden and hailstones as big as your head are crashing down smashing the pot plants and wrecking everything.
Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, has cobbled together a protective cover for the sofa using black bin bags and masking tape. As the lino hasn't been laid yet we wont be able to determine its effectiveness until much later.
Trotter and Fat Boy Faggot moved the temporary greenhouse to the bottom of the garden in order for Fly and Myself to move the 3 seater outside. While the lovely little temporary structure has weathered all the storms of winter in the security of the back porch, 5 minutes in the open air has left it collapsed at the bottom of the garden like a giant mutant jellyfish has found its way into te back garden and died with the confusion of it all.
I'm sitting here on the 2 seater, which we have temporarily left inside, with Truly Lu on one side and Trotter on the other. I presume the cats are seeking sanctuary in the luxury of the upstairs because at the moment it feels like I'm sitting in an up market squat.
I say the lino hasn't been laid yet, the man hasn't even arrived yet.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Lino day
There is great activity in the house as on fRiday proffesional men are coming to lay lino for us. Actually, that sounds a bit wierd, almost as if men in suits with bowler hats on and carrying suitcases are ariving to grapple with the 20 foot long piece of lino.
I meant that for once we are doing something properly, and have hired men who lay lino for a living to come round and do it for us.
It would appear that Varne and I have been denied a 'lino' day.
But anyway, as i type Fing is sitting on top of the Christmas decoration chest and is discussing where to put everything from the sitting room with Trotter.
Trotter has no spacial awareness and doesn't really understand what the problem is.
'You don't understand Trotter', Fing says in a patient voice, 'we must find space in the rest of the house for everything in the sitting room'
'Wont it all fit in the bathroom?' asks Trotter witha look of confusion written all over his face in indelible marker pen.
'Well, considering it took 6 people to get one sofa into the sitting room, via the window, after cutting down the fence with a chain saw, i'm not convinced the afternoon will run smoothly' Fing replies.
Trotter wonders what a chain saw is and Fing quietly despairs.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face sits with her back to the room, staring out the window, oblivious of the pending confusion and chaos
I meant that for once we are doing something properly, and have hired men who lay lino for a living to come round and do it for us.
It would appear that Varne and I have been denied a 'lino' day.
But anyway, as i type Fing is sitting on top of the Christmas decoration chest and is discussing where to put everything from the sitting room with Trotter.
Trotter has no spacial awareness and doesn't really understand what the problem is.
'You don't understand Trotter', Fing says in a patient voice, 'we must find space in the rest of the house for everything in the sitting room'
'Wont it all fit in the bathroom?' asks Trotter witha look of confusion written all over his face in indelible marker pen.
'Well, considering it took 6 people to get one sofa into the sitting room, via the window, after cutting down the fence with a chain saw, i'm not convinced the afternoon will run smoothly' Fing replies.
Trotter wonders what a chain saw is and Fing quietly despairs.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face sits with her back to the room, staring out the window, oblivious of the pending confusion and chaos
The return
It is the time of year.
From every where, Street Ducks are emerging.
One wonders where they spend the winter as there are just so many of them.
Quacking at you as you walk the dogs. Peering at you from the trees and in bushes and on top of walls.
There was even a Street Duck queing outside the Carling Academy this morning, presumably to spend his giro on tickets to see the Fuzzyducks.
Varnes annual visiting Street Ducks have been stood quacking with menaces outside her front door and have been foraging for scraps in the bins.
Is it world domination they want?
Frankly, i'm scared.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
What?
Trotter is terribly bored.
the security gate is closed so he is unable to go upstairs to pick a shoe to chew.
Everything he has tried to chew or hump has been forcibly taken from him and put somewhere high in a safe place.
Lara is on Facebook, Martha is reading a thriller novel, Lulu is asleep on her cushion underneath the coffee table.
There is nothing to do except watch channel 4 news and thats all gloom and doom.
What is a boy to do?
the security gate is closed so he is unable to go upstairs to pick a shoe to chew.
Everything he has tried to chew or hump has been forcibly taken from him and put somewhere high in a safe place.
Lara is on Facebook, Martha is reading a thriller novel, Lulu is asleep on her cushion underneath the coffee table.
There is nothing to do except watch channel 4 news and thats all gloom and doom.
What is a boy to do?
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Barber shop
Now, I've been meaning to tell you about Tutz.
Tutz has taken to combing my hair when I'm laying in bed and half asleep.
Sometimes this is incredibly soothing as she sits behind me and runs her delicate paw, claws slightly extended, through my hair all the while happily saying 'proot' to herself, quite quietly, in case Trotter should hear and chase her off the bed.
There is only one small problem.
Sometimes she becomes a bit giddy with her combing and suddenly all a bit excitable. It is at times like this she can suddenly loose control of her claws and suddenly lash you round the back of the head and have you scalp open. So it is a bit of a double edged sword I'm afraid.
To be honest I wouldn't recommend you try it at home.
Tutz has taken to combing my hair when I'm laying in bed and half asleep.
Sometimes this is incredibly soothing as she sits behind me and runs her delicate paw, claws slightly extended, through my hair all the while happily saying 'proot' to herself, quite quietly, in case Trotter should hear and chase her off the bed.
There is only one small problem.
Sometimes she becomes a bit giddy with her combing and suddenly all a bit excitable. It is at times like this she can suddenly loose control of her claws and suddenly lash you round the back of the head and have you scalp open. So it is a bit of a double edged sword I'm afraid.
To be honest I wouldn't recommend you try it at home.
Requiem
It was a very sad moment when we admitted defeat with the ailing goldfish and decided to put it out of its misery.
Filipa and I discussed the best method to dispatch the poor fish and decided a swift knife round the back of the head was the most humane and hygienic as clubbing him to death may leave a mess on the patio.
So Filipa donned a rubber glove and took a chopping knife and went into the garden and did the dirty deed and wrapped him up in kitchen roll like fish and chips gone horrifically wrong.
We then discussed what to do with his body as Martha is planning extensive change in the garden, meaning a burial was out of the question, and tossing his body into the bins seemed rather unfaithful and cold.
It was Martha who suggested a watery grave so Filipa and I went down to the river. Filipa decided that a 'Titanic' theme might be the order of the day and mounted the bars and spread her arms in a sad parody of Kate Winslet.
I took the tiny body from its wrapping and said,
'Dear God. Please accept this body back into the the water from whence he came', then dropped him into the water, where it slowly meandered off downstream like a sparkly jewel in the murky waters.
'for though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil' I said, then helped Filipa down from the bars. We said a hail Mary and bowed our heads then went home for a cup of tea.
It was as Filipa was leaving that she turned round and said, 'Honey, you see how I am? I've killed the goldfish and i've carpeted the stairs. You're turning me into a man!'
Filipa and I discussed the best method to dispatch the poor fish and decided a swift knife round the back of the head was the most humane and hygienic as clubbing him to death may leave a mess on the patio.
So Filipa donned a rubber glove and took a chopping knife and went into the garden and did the dirty deed and wrapped him up in kitchen roll like fish and chips gone horrifically wrong.
We then discussed what to do with his body as Martha is planning extensive change in the garden, meaning a burial was out of the question, and tossing his body into the bins seemed rather unfaithful and cold.
It was Martha who suggested a watery grave so Filipa and I went down to the river. Filipa decided that a 'Titanic' theme might be the order of the day and mounted the bars and spread her arms in a sad parody of Kate Winslet.
I took the tiny body from its wrapping and said,
'Dear God. Please accept this body back into the the water from whence he came', then dropped him into the water, where it slowly meandered off downstream like a sparkly jewel in the murky waters.
'for though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil' I said, then helped Filipa down from the bars. We said a hail Mary and bowed our heads then went home for a cup of tea.
It was as Filipa was leaving that she turned round and said, 'Honey, you see how I am? I've killed the goldfish and i've carpeted the stairs. You're turning me into a man!'
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Oh Dear
The master carpenters Fly and Mr Cod are now deassembling the unit for the 3rd time.
Fing has been watching from in front of the tv with a sceptical eye.
Trotters has finally lost it after 3 hours of inept assembly and is howling like a wolf while attempting a kind of canine tap dance.
The fish is still in the saucepan.
Fing has been watching from in front of the tv with a sceptical eye.
Trotters has finally lost it after 3 hours of inept assembly and is howling like a wolf while attempting a kind of canine tap dance.
The fish is still in the saucepan.
Angst
I spent 2 hours writing an entry about the weekend on Sunday only to have the fekking site collapse under the strain.
Today Mr Cod and Fly are assembling the new TV stand.
James and I have been consulting the great Oracle, Google, for advice on poorly pond fish. One of the fish has been swimming around in a distressed aimless fashion for the last 4 days with a bit of a gammy eye.
Well, you'll be amazed what pond fish can suffer from, they can get Dropsy and cloudy eye and fin rot and bacterial infections and lice and parasites and everything. To be honest we were a bit spoilt for choice and after careful inspection we were none the wiser. So we just hooked it into a saucepan and sprinkled in some salt and are hoping for the best.
Today Mr Cod and Fly are assembling the new TV stand.
James and I have been consulting the great Oracle, Google, for advice on poorly pond fish. One of the fish has been swimming around in a distressed aimless fashion for the last 4 days with a bit of a gammy eye.
Well, you'll be amazed what pond fish can suffer from, they can get Dropsy and cloudy eye and fin rot and bacterial infections and lice and parasites and everything. To be honest we were a bit spoilt for choice and after careful inspection we were none the wiser. So we just hooked it into a saucepan and sprinkled in some salt and are hoping for the best.
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