Requiem

It was a very sad moment when we admitted defeat with the ailing goldfish and decided to put it out of its misery.

Filipa and I discussed the best method to dispatch the poor fish and decided a swift knife round the back of the head was the most humane and hygienic as clubbing him to death may leave a mess on the patio.

So Filipa donned a rubber glove and took a chopping knife and went into the garden and did the dirty deed and wrapped him up in kitchen roll like fish and chips gone horrifically wrong.

We then discussed what to do with his body as Martha is planning extensive change in the garden, meaning a burial was out of the question, and tossing his body into the bins seemed rather unfaithful and cold.

It was Martha who suggested a watery grave so Filipa and I went down to the river. Filipa decided that a 'Titanic' theme might be the order of the day and mounted the bars and spread her arms in a sad parody of Kate Winslet.

I took the tiny body from its wrapping and said,

'Dear God. Please accept this body back into the the water from whence he came', then dropped him into the water, where it slowly meandered off downstream like a sparkly jewel in the murky waters.

'for though I walk through the shadow of the valley of death I shall fear no evil' I said, then helped Filipa down from the bars. We said a hail Mary and bowed our heads then went home for a cup of tea.

It was as Filipa was leaving that she turned round and said, 'Honey, you see how I am? I've killed the goldfish and i've carpeted the stairs. You're turning me into a man!'