Happy Happy Halloween!

There is an air of great excitement in the house as the Pets prepare for Halloween.

Tutz and Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face are carving pumpkins. Tutz's pumpkin is elaborately carved into a series of witches on broomsticks, Giggsey's is a traditional leering gap toothed smiling face.

Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, is baking cookies in the shape of bats.

Fat Boy Faggot is preparing bags of sweets for the trick or treaters, and long chains of popcorn on string to hang around the house.

Trotter is putting up his own stylishly designed 'Trotwear' decorations, which look like they have been created by a mad axeman and are all a bit unsettling, avant garde, and a bit harsh upon the eye. Trotter hopes that all the small children will be suitably impressed by them, but the other pets can't help but think that they are so discordant they may bring on a brain hemorrage.

Fing would like to wish everyone a very Happy Samhain, and wishes you all the best for the New Year.

Friends from around the world

This is a Kinjkajou called Bob who lives deep in the South American rainforest.

He works as an insurance salesman by day and at night can be found forraging for flowers, nuts and berries for his family of 3.

This is his son, Iscariot.

Irrational

Trotter is lying on the sofa in a big pile of cushions, his bandaged head is throbbing and he has an ice pack on it.

The rest of the pets are all stood, shame faced, in the hallway as a very stern Fing tells them off for their naughtiness.

'We didn't know he would fall off', sulks Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face.

'HE HAS BRAIN DAMAGE AND IS BLIND IN ONE EYE, HOW COULD HE STAY ON?' shouts an irate Fing.

Sting

Fing is now in the kitchen wrapping a large white bandage around Trotters head.

The rest of the pets are hiding in case they get in trouble.

Mid Morning

Fing is having brunch.

He is sitting at the table eating a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel, he has a cup of freshly ground coffee and is reading the morning papers.

Meanwhile, Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face, is trying to teach Trotter how to walk the tight-rope in the kitchen while the other pets cheer from the hall.

'are you sure this is safe?' ask's Trotter from the side

'100%' says Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face.

Morning Neighbour

Fing has made all the pets their favourite breakfast's.

For Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, he has made waffles and smothered them in maple syrup and whipped cream. As a side he has provided a samll fruit salad but doubts it will be eaten.

Trotter is having weetabix with warm milk.

Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face is having wholemeal bread with Philadelphia and marmite on it, after this she will have a mullerlite and possibly a banana.

Fat Boy Faggot is tackling with some museli and is in the bathroom, reading the independent.

Tutz is on her scratchy pole eating a full English breakfast, comprised of bacon, sausages, black pudding, fried egg, beans, tomatoes and fried bread. Being insane 24/7 uses up quite a lot of energy I'll have you know.

Fing himself does not take breakfast, he prefers a strong black coffee and will have a little something at brunch.

42

What is Trotter thinking about?

Is he thinking about quantum physics?

No, he is not.

Is he thinking about the Bermuda triangle and the unexplained disappearance of boats, ships and planes?

No, he is not.

Is he thinking about why Neon flickers?

No, I'm afraid not.

Trotter is thinking about becoming a stuntman.

He wants to drive cars dangerously, and jump from tall buildings in a parachute! He wants to ride horse's bareback and be blown out of cannons and beat the land speed record and whizz around in speedboats.

Failing that he might go for a poo in Chengi's garden.

He just can't decide.

New Horizons

Like his companion, Captain Jack, Lucas by day (Duncan by night) likes to utilise the furniture in unusual ways.

Sometimes he practises perching precariously like a pterodactyl on the poof.

Shiny boots of Leather

Sometimes, If I am terribly bored, I like to polish the cats with bee's wax.

As you can see they come up quite a treat.

Christ Alive!

Sometimes when Lulu wakes up she scares me.

Reality show

Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face is sometimes so exhausted that she has to lay on top of the TV and try to watch it upside down.

Its no wonder that she's all a bit cross eyed and fucked in the head really, is it?

Sleepy head

Sometimes Trotter gets bored of being a maniac and likes to rest his weary bones.

He wishes sometimes that he wasn't so jam packed, full, of naughtiness, because perhaps then it wouldn't escape so often and get him into trouble.

He wishes he didn't feel compelled to bark at the shopping trolley.

He can only dream of not being over taken by a mad desire to hump cushions.

A forlorn hope that he didn't have to shred standard lamps and pull up bushes surfaces briefly beofre sinking without a trace.

Oh, its hard being Trotter.

Poor Trotter.

Guest Pet of The Week - Milly

Milly

Likes: Chewing small bits of wood, lazing by the fire and eating Honey Roast Glazed Hams - whole.

Dislikes: Being wet and Anne Robinson

Age: Unknown

Distinguishing features: Small lump of black fluff with dangerously rabid eyes

Habits and Problem Behaviours: Prone to backcombing her hair and singing along to Tina Turner, hogging the fire and belching in front of guest's.

Mothers gone to

And while i'm ranting, what the bloody hell is going on in Iceland?

Apparently its Ok to hunt critically endangered animals- lets look at the dictionary definition of that shall we?

An endangered animal is one that 'is present in such small numbers that it is at risk of extinction'

Therefore a 'Critically endangered animal' is an animal that faces an extremely high risk of extinction in the immediate future.

WAY TO GO ICELAND! Lets kill off an entire species so your stupid, lousy fishermen, who are themselves entirely responsible for the depletion of the fish stocks in their fishing grounds, have a job to do. But guess what? When all the whales are dead, i'll bet you'll find that there are no fish left anyway.

Biodiversity means that no animal overbreeds and puts its eco system in danger.

Man is the only animal that does so.

Please take the time to send a message to the Icelandic Government on the Greenpeace website:

http://www.oceans.greenpeace.org/en/stop-icelandic-whaling

Golddigga

Apparently in their short relationaship, Sir Paul McCartney, much loved National Institution, musical genious, animal rights activist etc, was accused by his estranged wife, the cripple, Heather Mills, of brutally attacking her on several occaisions, once with a broken wine glass.

Fuck me, If i'd of been him I would probably of clubbed her round the back of her head with her false leg until she was dead.

If only we were in medieval times.

We could have burnt her at the stake as the money grabbing witch that she is.

Lucas by Day, Duncan by night?

He says

'If it's not too much trouble, please can you fix my antenna because i'm not hearing the voices in my head very clearly today.'

And Trotter? What did Trotter say!

Trotter said

'Would you please hurry up and get ready and take me for a walk?'

Because he's very polite like that.

And what do you think she said?

She said

'Would you not fuck off, can't you see i'm sucking a lemon?'

Do you know what he said?

He said

'Would you not get that fucking camera out of my face?'

Lulu

Its bloody depressing being Lulu when the only images you can find are of that gobby singer from Scotland.

She sighs.

Murder she drove

Have I ever told you that Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face drives a lada with personalised number plates?

rebel

With headphones on, listening to Gangsta Rap, Tutz enjoys nothing more than a spot of random vandalism and spraying graffiti on underpasses.

This is her tag, so if you see it you know a small grey cat in a hoody is lurking with menaces somewhere near by.

The best laid plans

Faggot was considering starting a revolution, but, to be honest, he couldn't be bothered to get out of the bath and become an insurgent.

Under consideration

Fing is considering opening his own dance studio and has had a logo designed.

Gone to the.....

Following the collapse of Trail Finders , Trotters has opened his own travel agents.

He has a limited selection of offers, but if you want to go to the Isle of Dogs, Trotter is your man.

The Captains Table

The Captain has had a very tiring day.

He patrolled the yard at 6am, as is his wont, then took a bus to Dover where he attended the Salty Old Sea Dog reunion and gave a speach on what he has done since leaving the navy.

The speach was rewarded with thunderous applause and the Capatin was awarded a lovely carraige clock for his mantlepiece at home.

He drank Rum, sang sea shantys and reminissed about Ports around the world and sighed fondly thinking about all those bitches around the world.

They watched a short film on depletion of the Tuna stocks and then went on a tour of an army destroyer.

A little bit tipsey, he caught the bus home and collapsed exhausted on the sofa, thinking happy thoughts and wagging his tail.

Its not what you do its the way that you do it

Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west and Tutz have gone to the cinema to eat popcorn and watch 'The devil Wears Prada'.

Trotter and Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face have gone to field in the middle of no where and have donned camouflage outfits, goggles and sturdy footwear and are haring around a field shooting paint balls at each other.

Captain Jack is pulling Lucas By Day, Duncan by night, across the sitting room by his back leg.

In Cuddesdon, Louis Vitton is sitting patiently by the mole hill waiting for the stupid velvety mole to stick his great big whiskery nose out of the hole so he can bite it. Resonance is in the field teaching the cows netball.

Tiny Margz is painting by numbers while Poochies sleeps in a little furry heap on her bean bag.

Axl is bored, nose pressed against the patio door glass wishing he was out running in the fields beyond the back fence.

Fat Boy Faggot and Fing, the cat I can't forget, have been shopping. They have brought socks and pants in Primark, chocolates from Thornton's, DVD's from Virgin and Sushi from Sainsbury's. They are now at home drinking Tea and Fat Boy has his paws in a bowl of warm soapy water to try and stop them aching.

At Varne's Ginge sits on the side in the kitchen and watches Varne patiently while she cooks dinner and wonders if it will be fish for dinner tonight.

The last Unicorn

Yesterday it rained. Rained and Rained, like it was never going to stop. The water poured into drains, and when it had filled up the drains it started to rise, filling up peoples houses and causing havoc everywhere. In some places people wondered if they should attempt to find 2 of each animal and force them onto rubber inflatables, some clambered onto their rooftops and waited to be rescued. Thankfully we had no flooding at Preacher's Lane yesterday, but the rain caused problems for some.

Fing missed 3 appointments yesterday because he cannot bear to get his paws wet.

He missed an appointment at the opticians. Although he has purrfect 20/20 vision, he does like to keep the 3 yearly appointments, if only to amaze the optician with his optical skills.

Not only the opticians but an appointment with the doctor where he had intended to discuss his shaky leg and the problems it was causing with his samba dancing. Why, only the other day the shaky leg had caused a singularly embarrassing moment when pressed up against the Welsh Ladies Champion in a set routine. The Welsh team, on tour in a series of exhibitions to display their swarthy dark looks, freestyle Samba Style and history lessons in Mining had insisted that Fing be removed from the arena, amongst shouts of 'PERVERT!' and 'YOU AUGHT TO BE ASHAMED!!' from the crowd.

Fing stares stonily out of the window from his perch on top of the TV and remembers the day with horror. The shaky leg must be addressed!

And finally, FINALLY, the most important appointment of them all. His 3rd recall for the auditions of Lord of The Rings, the musical, where he had been shortlisted for the role of Aragorn, son Arathorn. But no. No. Due to the biblical flood-like nature of the rain he is trapped in the house and his musical dreams shattered. He wipes a teary eye with a shaky paw and sniffs quietly in a dignified manner.

It is at that point that he turns round and finds the rest of the pets sat around the coffee table with Trotter wearing a blue and white stripy pinny, serving tea and cake!

All thoughts of missed appointments dissapear like mist on a sunny day and he asks Trotter for a coffee and helps himself to a vienniese whirl.

Sometimes rainy days are just the best of all he decides.

URGENT! URGENT!

Needed urgently, home for large ginger and white stripy cat.

His name is Fluffy and he currently lives in an old peoples home where he sits on the laps of the elderly and allows himself to be petted by the knarly old arthritic fingers of the oldsters.

Unfortunately for both Fluffy and the Oldsters, new legislation states that old peoples homes are not allowed to keep pets, so all the Old's will loose a beloved friend and poor old Fluffy, unless offered a loving home, will be sent to the knackers yard this Friday and will be put to sleep.

You obviously understand that we cannot possible introduce another animal into our humble abode, Trotters and his autistic tendencies would never understand, and to be fair, last time I rescued a cat it had to live in my bedroom for 3 months and that was before we had Trotter and the cat flap in my bedroom door. It would be a disaster, so!

If you know where a neutered, very personable ginger and white stripy tom could live out the rest of his years, please let me know.

(I know he probably smells of old people and piss but that's nothing a once over with fairy liquid won't cure)

Snack

In the kitchen Truly Scruptious Lulu is baking.

She has made angel cake and sachertorte. She has made rock cakes and shortbread biscuits.

All this for a light afternoon snack.

For herself.

Good lord, no wonder she's the chubbiest dog in the west!

How the bell tolls

As you are well aware, Trotter tends to gibber like a psychiatric patient at the full moon every time he goes on his walk.

Sometimes this is so pronounced first thing in the morning that Martha wrestles him back in through the front door to leave him barking like a thing possessed, stood up with tiny paws pressed against the glass in the door. She has always been concerned that the loud gibbering at this time of the morning may upset the neighbours, which has always struck me as rather ironic, as she doesn't seem to worry that the barking from the house may be equally loud and annoying.

Anyway, yesterday morning Trotter must have been communing with his inner voices because he didn't make a sound as Martha put on his lead. He didn't make a sound as they left the house, or walked round the block. He didn't even get wild and excitable when they got back to the house, when the gibbering is normally at it's intense worse, as Trotter knows that his breakfast awaits him.

Martha was dead chuffed.

It was with some shock then, when Martha popped into Varne's for her supper on the way home from work, that Varne announced that Aisha had overslept that morning.

Apparently the sound of Fly whistleling on the way to work around 6am is Aisha's wake up call, and then she snoozes until Trotters insane gibbering howl wakes her with a start at 6.45 and she knows its time to get up and get the kids ready for school.

Not so yesterday morning when a silent Trotter passed by, leaving Aisha fast asleep and the kids late for school.

Perhaps this is a lesson for us all. They say that everything happens for a reason, and until last night we did not know that Trotter was put on this earth to be an alarm clock.

As well as an interior designer.

And the beat goes on...

And Trotters legacy lives on.

I found a trail of tiny orange paw prints starting at the back door, across the sitting room floor, on the sofa, through the hatch. Across the kitchen top, smattered on the hobb, only to find Fing with bright orange paws eating his lunch on the side.

Being the composed and dignified Boy that he is, he didn't struggle at all as we washed his feet, just looked completely unamused.

So unamused that after we had finished he went upstairs and pissed in my washing basket. But thats the sort of Boy that he is.

Peter Pan

Yesterday was the official launch of Peter Pan in Scarlet, and Fing, in his role as literary critic, was invited to the launch party.

He hob nobbed with celebrities and drank champagne and nibbled on salmon canapes.

He listened to the speeches and watched the theatrical presentation with great interest and applauded politely at the end.

He made a modest bid for the Faberge egg in the silent auction and was not surprised when someone else walked away with it.

He chatted to the girls on the book stall, purchased a copy and had it signed by the author and illustrator.

In his taxi home he started to read the story, there is something wrong in Neverland, all the dreams are leaking out into the real world.

Fing suddenly has an epiphany. He suddenly remember when Trotter arrived, all unannounced like a theif in the night. He thinks back and realises it has been a nightmare from start to finish.

Has Trotter escaped from Neverland? Could he be.....

A Lost Boy?

And today?

Yesterday was World Animal Day, which of course went completely unoticed in most of South East Asia. In Korea they they bolied up some dogs for dinner, in China they showed you how to cook tiger on TV and in Japan the whalers polished up their harpoons and went out and butchered some whales for fun, and scientific purposes, just incase anyone checked.

But, lets not talk about these barbarians, because today is World Poetry day!

Poetry is a lot of things to a lot of people.

But Trotter thinks it's Pants.

Disappointment

I am very disappointed to announce that yesterday was World Animal Day and I couldn't let you know.

Unfortunately when I turned on my laptop last night it had a complete benny and I had to switch it off in a temper.

So apologies for the animals who didn't have a mention yesterday.

To the orphaned bear cubs in Canada especially.

Orphaned because of our Queens desire to have guards in bear skin hats.

Not any old bear skin mind you, but the bear skin of lactating mothers, as of course, when mothers are lactating they don't loose any fur, so their beautiful pelts, designed to protect them and keep them warm , are extra thick and luxurious.

So thanks Queenie! Thanks to YOU hunters are going out and blasting mother bears to death and leaving their tiny cubs to starve to death, because after all, there isn't a market for cub skin mittens.

If you would like to help the orphaned bear cubs please donate money to:

http://www.wspadonations.org/

Of course if all you can afford is a postage stamp how about write to the Queen and tell her to move her fucking arse into the 21st century and consider the use of fake fur in the hats of her guardsmen? Come on, If Pamela Anderson can do it then so can you!

Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London SW1A 1AA

BABY BEARS NEED THEIR MUMMY'S

MORE THAN GUARD'S NEED STUPID HAT'S

The Weds after the Drag Before

Salutations from the land of Drag!

Please accept my sincere apologies for not posting a post but unfortunately my legs have been in league with Lucifer and this has prevented me from reporting on the weekend.

The Dragsters gathered from all over the home counties.

Prior abandoned Eartha Kit and came as a maiden aunt.

Lorna showed everyone her magic tricks and gave several people nervous breakdowns.

Damon came in his Kate Moss drug bag dress and along with Stuart, the Bride of Frankenstein, won first prize in the Drag Queen competition.

In an unexpected result, Martha won best Drag King and spent the rest of the night pulling strange and unusual faces at cameramen.

It was, all in all, more fun than you could shake a stick at.

Captain Jack was very excited by Dean's sailor outfit, Lucas by day, Duncan by night was confused in a Tutu.

Tutz was very dissapointed that her Chairman Mioaw was not recognised for it's genious and so shat in a potted plant.

Fing found company in his fetish gear with Andi, and Giggsey Girl, the stupid slug face was not the only commando.

Trotter came as a small, derranged, black, shabby dog. But bearing in mind his brain damage no one said anything and just loved him anyway.

http://http://www.kitpix.co.uk/go/brewery_gate.htm