Whales and Dolphins

What is it with Japan?

Not only do they persistently push at the International Whaling Commission for the ban on Whale hunting to be lifted, and after 20 years, this year they may well succeed, they also herd innocent dolphins onto beaches and cut their throats and leave them to die hideous terrifying deaths for NO REASON what so ever.

The brutal dolphin deaths are allowed as it is cultural. I beg to differ. I think they are allowed to carry on because Japan has no respect for the world or any of its creatures. This was displayed to their human victims in concentration camps in the second world war and it persists today in their whaling and slaughter of dolphins.

They are sadistic, fascists who believe they have complete impunity to the laws that govern the rest of us.

Dolphins and whales have warm blood, give birth to live young, they breathe the same air as us. They are sentient creatures who live in close family groups with complex emotional ties.

Should it be allowed that they are rounded up and slaughtered just because its traditional?

Just because something has happened in the past doesn't mean it has any place in the future.

Boy

'Martha', I said, 'Fing really wants to go to ballet, but they don't let cats into the theatre'

She paused for a second in the hallway to consider my boy, lying next to me on the pillow.

'Disguise him as a pumpkin' she said, 'he's the right colour for it'

Grave News

We at Trotter and Fing were extrodinarily excited to read about an Ostrich that has terrorizing villagers in Cornwall.

The naughty bird has taken to leaving its home and visiting the local graveyard where it like to read the tombstones and eat all the floral tributes left by bereaved relatives.

Unfortunately the Ostrich has taken exception to the bereaved and has taken to chasing them out of the graveyard.

All except for one elderly man called Edgar, who apparently turned round from his wifes grave and saw the Ostrich eyeing him up.

'what are you doing here?' he asked the bird, then fed him some grass. The Ostrich was immediately taken with eccentric Edgar and they have taken to meeting in the Graveyard for informal chats and to play chess.

Porn Shocker!

In a shock to the system, Trotter and Fing has been banned on Robs Server at work, for containing PORN!

I don't know in what sick deluded world Rob's browser works, in that looking at picturs of cats and dogs is a bit kinky and wrong, but I know I don't want to be a part of it!

You do it so well.

Things are kind of returning to normal at the house.

Martha has gone back to work after her 3 days of sickness.

Trotter has purchased a sewing machine and is making accessories for Drag Queens and has employed Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face to sew on sequins and beads, having 2 left feet she is finding this very frustrating and is muttering to herself about fucking drag queens and why cant everyone stick to normal clothes? There they are in the sitting room, surrounded by silk and satin and lace, with sequins stuck to their little furry foreheads and bodies they sparkle as they move, its kind of like Blackpool Illuminations on a tiny scale but less expensive to run.

They have made elbow length gloves and silk purses, they have made satin wraps and fake fur stoles. They are just about to start on a full length dress, 1920's style with rows of dangling beads in purple.

Lulu is asleep underneath a pile of discarded material, buttons and prototypes that went wrong.

Tutz, meanwhile, is playing upstairs by herself. She is bouncing like Bambi in and out of the bedrooms. Occasionally she jumps into the bathroom to be surprised by Faggot on purpose, just to give her jumps a startled appearance and an air of shocked surprise. Sometimes she jumps nimbly, sometimes like a thundering baby elephant, sometimes somewhere in between. She 'Prroootttsss!' to herself as she jumps, on and on and on, in and out and in.

Fat Boy Faggot is asleep on a towel above where the hot water pipe is nearest the floor and tries to ignore the jumping and occasional intrusions of Tutz. He is dreaming of a holiday in Gran Canaria and thinking about fake tan.

Fing is in the kitchen. He is sitting on the draining board and has his head underneath the blind. He was watching the world go by but has fallen asleep bolt upright like a sphinx impervious to his surroundings.

And so the house is full of the sound of sporadic jumping, the whir of the sewing machine, Giggsey Girls muttering and Lulu's snoring. It is like any other normal Tuesday in as much that no day is normal in our house.

Yesterday

Welcome to the Year of the Boar, well, it started yesterday officially but everyone was up to different things and didn't have time to write an entry.

At the Brewery Gate Eryc was recovering from a strained groin muscle after a night of frenetic pole dancing in Swindon, occaisionally Eryc enjoys leaving the safe haven of Oxford and departs for other towns and cities where he is not well known in order to maintain his pole dancing hobby. Unfortunately there is no where in Oxford where a lone young male can suddenly and with out any warning, leap to the stage and start doing random, and some might say reckless, acrobatics around a slippery pole. So, at the pub Eryc recovered.

At the house Martha was all crouped up and wrapped in a throw and looked like a cross between Yoda and Ghandi on smack, unable to move without inducing vomiting, the world turned on around her.

Trotter had found a lovely new outfit for Filipa Hole who arrived and proceded to potter around the house in a cream linen pin stripe 2 piece and black wig while Ashley sat on the bench and read about spiritalism.

In the garden Fly and Steve built a lovely waterproof canopy so we can sit outside in the rain, if we want to obviously, its just nice to have a choice. Quite excitingly we had visiting royalty in the garden, Ginge decided he wanted to know just excatley what Steve and Fly were up to, being a chartered engineer he wanted to make sure that they were following the instructions and not scrimping on nuts and bolts.

Fing prowled around in a foul mood, looking for mischeif and scraping things off the side just for the hell of it, even though there wasn't anyone there to see him do it and be irritated by it. He took satisfaction that we would probably stumble across the scraped things at a later time and wonder what they were doing on the floor. Sometimes he likes to scrape things into drawers and then cover it up with whatever is in the drawer so sometimes it can take you months to accidentally stumble across it again. He's a wanker like that.

Tuts laid on the bed for a change and found it all a bit unsettling, but decided to persevere.

Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face found Martha as Yoda/Ghandi completely irrisistable and spent most of the day trying to clamber on top of her and share the love. Unfortunately this drove Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest Dog in the West, quite spare, as she was lying at Martha's feet guarding her.

I spent the entire day cooking and cleaning and loading the dishwasher and doing Martha's washing and taking the dogs for a walk and general domestic stuff like that. I did pause for a moment to eat 2 cream cakes and then immediately wished I hadn't because it made me feel very sick indeed.

Stuart raced past the house in Uncle Ernies Electric Go-kart, all surprised and excited about just how fast the thing went, beeping the horn and laughing like a surprised mental patient.

So, the only person who had and sort of a normal day was Fat Boy Faggot, who slept as usual.

The Eyes of Giggs

Why.

Please accept our apologies for the lack of transmission.

Unfortunately there is terrible illness in the house.

Everyone has gone down with colds and sickness, all except Fing who just has a gammy eye.

Service will be resumed shortly.

who?

'Do we like Muse' asks Fing

'Never heard of them' says Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face.

?

Oh dear.

The pets are very unsettled by Russel Brand.

I am too.

Land of Hope and Glory

The pets are all sat in the sitting room waiting for the Brits to start. Martha is there as well with her red wine. Trotter has a glass of cherryade, Faggot a glass of chardonay. Tutz has a small schonner of sweet sherry, Fing and Giggsey Girl are sharing a bottle of cava and Lulu is obviously sticking to her favourite, Jack and coke.

There is popcorn and tortilla chips, cheese balls and for Tutz, some pilchards as a light snack.

Who will win?

The tension is mounting!

Boy

The first time ever I saw your face

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave

To the dark and the end of the skies

Rez

Rez, while marginally more friendly towards me, also normally makes herself scarce when I am around.

Therefore I was equally chuffed to get this lovely picture of Rez having a Wig Wam day.

Who knows what photographic delights of the infamous Cuddesdon Duo will follow?

Big Lou

Yesterday while I was visiting Cuddesdon, Big Lou made a brief appearance, and very kindly sat and let me take his picture.

I feel very honoured as normally he shoots off as if the very devil himself were at his tail virtually every time he see's me.

Contrary to

Contrary to popular belief, Owls do not enjoy being used for display purposes in shopping centres at lunch time.

This is mainly due to the fact that they are solitary creatures who would, if left entirely to their own devises, would be asleep at lunch time, and in fact the whole day as they are nocturnal and the sunlight hurts their eyes.

They would much prefer to be somewhere dark and comfy and prefrably with a large supply of small rodents to eat. They also prefer to attend chess tournaments and listen to classical music on the Ipods.

Breakfast at Tiffinys

There has been a dreadful upset in the house today.

Trotter followed Martha out of the kitchen as she was dispensing breakfast and as a result was there, behind Martha, when she gave Lulu her Iams.

This caused an awful disagreement between the two dogs who attacked each other.

It took Marth some time to seperate them and she had to carry a struggling Trotter to the kitchen where he was too upset to eat his breakfast and stood barking at the security gate for some few minutes.

And then

The rest of the day started with Martha and I being unable to get hold of Varne, a most unsettling and unusual occurrence. I ended up walking down to see if she was at home, only to find her lying prostrate on top of a blow up mattress, 'hellloooo?' she whispered as I walked in the door.

It transpired Varne had been tripping the light fantastic until 5 in the morning and looked as though she could probably benefit from a years bed rest. Obviously bed rest is not an option when shopping is on the cards so, being the complete trooper that she is, Varne composed herself and was ready in 15 minutes.

We left the estate pushing the trolley and heading for Primark.

Varne advised that she would need to stop for a bottle of Lucozade at some point as her mouth was 'as dry as a nun's cunt'. Having a hangover from hell myself, I could only concur.

It was when I was withdrawing cash at the Halifax that we noticed the sale in the Disney shop. Varne's eyes lit up like a fruit machine when its just about to pay out. It was proper bargain paradise and we stocked up on bags full of reduced Disney crap to give to people next Christmas.

We went to Primark next and as it was Pension day Martha bought everyone gifts.

Shane arrived shortly afterwards and we went to Sainsburys where Martha and Varne were harangued by a cripple with his own M&S shopping trolley who persuaded them to walk him back to his own home.

Shane and I thought fuck that for a game of soldiers and did a runner with our shopping and went home for a cup of tea. Martha, Varne and Mrs Warboise ended up having to escort the shambling cripple and his trolley full of produce all the way to the bad lands of Riverside Court where all the drunks, druggies, disabled and traffic wardens have to live. Its a modern day Bedlam but without any nice wardens to beat the inmates senseless if they get too unruly, which I think is a dreadful pity.

So, having drunk tea and eaten donuts we went to the Goldfish Bowl and inadvertently stumbled across the complete cutie who served us. We asked him questions for ages just so we could look at his lovely face, but eventually we got to the front of the queue and were served by an upsetting man with a face like a toad, well although he resembled a toad he face wasn't actually green/browny like a taod, because that would be downright peculiar, aquatic centre or not.

After that Eryc came round for dinner and we were awed and stunned by the celebrities ice skating on what ever the TV show is called, and then I went to work at The Brewery Gate.

Now I am home and its the end of the day. I don't know if tomorrow will have heron's or mad cripples or any ice skating, but I shall let you know when I find out.

It has been an unusual morning.

I awoke to find myself in bed with all of the throws from dowstairs in bed with me. This had clearly unsettled Fing, who was perched on top of the chest of drawers, all ruffled and more than a bit peeved that he couldnt see his pillow to jump on.

After wrestling my way out of the throw and clearing a space for him he lept down and surprised himself with how much he loves me.

We asked Martha for a cream tea for breakfast, and wierdly we got it, we shared scones, clotted cream and strawberry jam, though without any tea, and enjoyed it immensley.

While Martha was downstairs doing what ever it is that Martha does when she is downstairs alone, she noticed Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face, all feet and eyes at the back door. So she went to let her in, only to be extraordinarily surprised when a heron took off from the side of the pond.

She raced out into the garden and shook her fist at the departing bird then did a quick stock check of the pond to make sure every one was safe and sound. This, only moments after she had scared the living daylights out of the fish in the globe in the kitchen by peering at them with one enourmous eye through the curved glass.

I can only wonder what the rest of the day will bring.

Bath

The new bath has been installed by an old decrepid and extreamly smelly plumber. None of the pets like him or his plumbing way, but at least he hasnt got wierd eyes, which is a bonus.

This Morning

This morning Fing wanted black pudding and eggy bread for breakfast, but as usual Martha told him to knob off so he had to go without.

Fat Boy Faggot is waiting nervously in the bathroom as a new bath is arriving and being fitted today.

He wonders if it will be as comfy and inviting as the last one?

Balls

Lucas by Day Duncan by night says,

'BRING IT ON!!!!!'

Ouchy

Today Street Ducks all over Oxford stand by the egge of the river and refuse to let the River Ducks out.

Revenge is a dish best served cold.



These River Ducks from Port Meadow are using a coke can as a brazier in an attempt to free their trapped bodies form the ice.

The death of me

The pets have spent their morning at the Green Hill having quite the best fun in the snow.

They built a snowman and threw snowballs at each other, they dragged the toboggan to the top of the hill and crammed all their furry bodies on top before whizzing to the bottom and starting all over again.

There was a near disaster when no one noticed Trotter pulling his home made snow board to the top of the hill, secretly he did it because he knew that if anyone spotted him they would be bound to stop his fun.

With this in mind he carefully took the board to the other side of the hill, the side facing the river, before taking a running jump to get it started.

Off the shiny formica shot at 100 miles an hour towards the frozen side of the river with Trotter holding on for dear life. luckily Trot being Trot, he couldn't resist grabbing at some branches as he got near the edge otherwise he might have followed his board to a watery grave.

The other pets were horrified when they found him and told him off for being such a silly boy. They were all so shocked that Fing decided they should go home and get out of their cold wet clothes and drink hot chocolate and watch the cold snowness from inside the safety of the sitting room instead.

Elsewhere

Meanwhile, in Cuddesdon,

Big Lou and Rez are screaming with happiness as they shoot down the field on the back of an old coal bag and

Tiny Margo, Poochies and Pickles are looking at the 3 inches of snow and asking - what the fuck are we supposed to do with that?

Tutz

Tutz becomes aware that she has been asleep, she is all warm and comfy in her position on top of the washing basket as it is next to the radiator and very toasty.

She is a little more than surprised to discover a winter wonderland outside when she opens her eyes however.

She believes herself to be the only one awake until she sees Lara and Trotter hairing around outside in the pre dawn darkness making fresh footprints in the snow before anyone else gets up.

She is a little dissapointed.

She didn't believe it would snow.



How wrong could one little cat be?

They said

It is midnight, and only one pet remains awake to monitor the fall of snow.

Trotter is asleep in the kitchen on top of his roughly hewn snowboard, all wrapped up in mittens and scarf so he can race out of the door first thing all prepared.

Fing and Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face are asleep, exhausted, after wrestleing the old toboggan out of the shed.

Lulu and Fat Boy Faggot lay asleep all contented having washed and cleaned the salopettes, and having brushed up the moonboots and evicting the spiders they found inside. Faggot is asleep in the bath, dreaming dreams of men made of snow, and Lulu is asleep on her favourite pile of clothes dreaming dreams of a world dusted with icing sugar and candy canes.

Alone, staring into the dark night through a hole in the curtains ripped especially for this purpose, sits Tutz. She is making her happy sound as she stares into the cold night through the grubby double glazing, head cocked to one sides as she waits, as if for an epiphany.

They said the snow would come by now.

'proot' she whispers, all alone in the shadows,'proooot' as she watches and waits for the first snowflake to fall.

Hedders

In a different vein, I am tremendously excited as Shane, Andi, Rob and myself, will be travelling to Coventry to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch later this month.

I can't be certain about the boys reactions, but I'm so excited a little bit of wee came out.

Will it? Will it?

All the pets are getting very excited about the prospect of snow tomorrow. Fing has taken Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face out to the shed to look for the old toboggan.

Inside Fat Boy Faggot and Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, are searching the cupboards for their salopettes and moon boots.

Trotter is in the kitchen fashioning a snow board from an old cupboard door he found in the bin shed.

Tutz is staring maniacally out of the bedroom window, eyes a bit crossed, looking upwards into the completely blue sky.

'And they think I'm mad' she shrugs to herself, then gets down from the window sill to practise her break dancing on the bedroom floor.

Waitangi

Fing wonders if any flagstaffs have been vandalised by incensed Maoris in New Zealand today.

It would be much more fun to have a party he thinks, but then again, he's not a Maori, he's not the original indigenous race of New Zealand and he hasn't been conned out of any land.

Flag staff vandalising might be the order of the day if you were.

At which point he starts to sing 'Invasion' by MackaB

'Those old old Europeans they had a lot of man ,
They went over to other peoples land,
To conquer was their intention.
Those old old Europeans they had a lot of man ,
They went over to America to conquer the red Indians.

Well I don't know about you but I tell you what I do,
When I am looking at a western,
When I'm watching the telly , I'd don't really see,
the red Indians as the real bad man.
They had a lot to give, because they did not want to live,
In a little old dirty reservation.
They did not care because they were just there,
Defending their own homeland.
Europeans come not 1 by 1 but in their tens and thousands.
with the intention of taking all the best land,
and giving the Indians the bad one.
Well you must understand that the red Indian,
Were not just savages and madman.
I am aware that they were just there,
Reacting like any human.'

Not about Maori's per se, but in a similar vien perhaps.

Rabbit

Trotter likes nothing more than barking, as you are all aware.

This is a picture of him pausing for breath this morning while barking at me while I made my sandwiches.

He hopes that by barking incessantly that I will give him a piece of cheese to shut him up.

He is usually right.

I want some more

In the early hours of the morning Fing entertains himself by very slowly scraping things off the side.

He does this with the very specific intention of waking me up, normally because he has decided he needs a snack and has gone downstairs to find the bowl empty of biscuits.

So, he sits on top of the chest of drawers and scrapes.

With idle naughtiness a beaded necklace is pushed off the side. Irritated by the lack of sound the necklace has made he scrapes a notepad instead.

After each resounding thud, or crash, he turns and looks at me to see if he has woken me up, or in any way caused a reaction. As you can see illustrated in this photo.

This is Fing having scraped my purse from the side waiting to see what I would do, because my reaction can vary from screaming 'FING!' at he top of my face, ignoring him hoping he'll stop, or wearily getting up and going downstairs to make him breckfast.

Rather tragically my phone had turned off the camera because only shortly afterwards he knocked off the entire heap of videos and books you can see at the front of the picture off the side completely by accident.

The look of shocked surprise on his face was a complete picture.

Me, Myself and I

Meanwhile, Fing sat on the chest of drawers and looked down his nose at everyone.

Sometimes its very difficult being the best Fing in the whole, entire, world.

Goose today, gone tomorrow

I went to the river yesterday with the intention of feeding the homeless street ducks who stand nervously on the bank where they are eyed suspiciously by the Swans, coots and seagulls who noisily patrol the water.

To my surprise there were no street ducks by the waters edge, instead I discovered these 2 street geese, who calmly approached and looked up at me from their beady geese eye's.

As you know I have been mugged for my sandwiches before by starving street ducks so I viewed the geese with suspicion. But all they did was stand there with their heads cocked to one side as if listening to the pavement for some arcane message. They looked all a bit autistic and possibly impaired.

I ignored the swans, the coots and the circling gulls and fed the geese instead.

I was filled with a sense of enormous well being and went home on a cloud.

Unfortunately upon my return I discovered that one of the pets had pissed on my bed so the cloud evaporated and I dropped like a lead balloon, which wasn't nice at all actually.

Horrorscope

Trotter has been surfing the Internet this morning because he is very bored.

He was bored of Lulu walking into the wall because she was too drunk to realise there was no doorway there.

He is bored of Tutz and her scratchy pole, who does she think she is with her strange fruit bat ways?

He is irritated by Fing slinking round the house in silk pajama's with an independent under his arm and a skinny latte in hand.

He is annoyed by Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face dressed in camouflage in case of war.

He is not particularly annoyed or irritated by Fat Boy Faggot, but only because he doesn't know where he is. He is probably in the bath, having a nap. Trotter wonders how Faggy will feel when the bath is replaced next week, Trotters is distracted for a moment with thoughts of dripping taps and emergency plumbers. He hopes its not the one with the eyes next week he decides.

Having made a decision about the plumber he returns to MSN where inadvertently he discovers Pet Horoscopes with Russel Grant. His eyes grow very wide indeed.

What horoscope is he, he wonders? Is he an Aries who will have to communicate with a neighbour this week, he wonders? He hopes not because as much as he barks and barks and braks at mad Thelma next door, will she fuck off and leave him alone? No.

He hopes he might be a Taurus as they need outdoor physical exercise this week, or Libran pets who are being encouraged to walk in paint and make masterpieces to adorn the sitting room! He's already covered the patio in little orange footprints, now its time for the walls!

He doesn't think he can be a Virgo as they like a tidy house.

All in all its very confusing.

http://horoscopes.msn.co.uk/horoscopes_astrology/petscopes.php

He decides he will ask Martha what star sign he is when she gets home.

Gift Horse

Fing was stunned when he went to upgrade his phone and was offered completely free broadband by Orange.

Not only free broadband, but completely free landline calls to 130 countries.

If only we knew people in 130 countries, thought Fing.