FOUND!

It is the evening after the weekend before.

I swore blind i wouldn't go the Pimps and Whores night, but being a hooker at heart I couldn't resist.

Lorna was in black PVC, Claire had just stepped out of the old wilde west and I looked like a crack whore in drag. We ended up at the Gate, then the Coven. It was at the Coven that the Eccentric said to me, 'well, she might have a hedgehog, but has she got a concubine? It was a valid question that deserved an answer, but unfortunately the answer escaped me. I left the club in a state of confusion and walked home with the Corpse Bride. Orpan ( who had had a major ruckas and had been expelled from the club for approximately two hours) and Mute Boy arrived unannounced at mine and we stayed up all night drinking coffee and eating cake. Around 7 the next morning Filipa and the Ringmaster arrived sporting attractive hangovers and white wine.

When they arrived the Orphan and Mute Boy were is several states of disarray but they threw caution to the wind and preserved. around nine o'clock we composed ourselves and lurched up to Sainsburys to buy provisions for Marthas birthday. We wheeled around with the shopping trolley like 'Dancing on Ice', but without sequinned body stockings. It should have been ok but we got to the till and no one had any cash on them, in fact, most of us had left credit cards in weird places all over the house. Thankfully Mute Boy came up top trumps with his student loan and the five of us lurched home with £85 worth of snacks.

we arrived back to the Lane, cracked open the vodka and helped ourselves to liberal bloody marys as the Ringmaser rubbed marinade to dismembered chicken parts.

Now you might think it would have turned into a normal mash up but for the fact I had relatives over from America. Not just normal relatives. No. He's a renowned professor of nuclear physics and she is the director of the science department of the university of California. If it weren't for Trotter pissing up the trouser leg of infinity, i swear we would have nothing in common.

So they arrive to find the Orphan and Mute Boy pretending to be normal, sat with backs like ram rods on the sofa as the Ringmaster weaved his magic wand and very politely spoke with great charm and confidence. All was going quite well until filipa appeared from upstairs from where she had been taking a proper whitey and announced 'Honey, I'm hanging out of my fucking arse'. My Aunts eyes grew as wide as saucers and my uncle coughed politely into his beard. The Ringmaster decided, somewhat prudently, to take the poor sick boy home.

And so i spent three hours in purgatory with the rellies and Martha trotting over town. We went to the top of Jerico, to Smiths and Boots and Boots and Marks and Sparked and Thorntons and Primark. At that point I pleaded a loose bladder and shot off home for help.

I swear down the Orphan had been busy! He's whipped up a potato salad and had tidied the entire house while the Mute watched on from the sofa. I got back and we cooked for six hours. It probably would have been quicker but we forgot to switch on the oven. We made slaw and vegetable batons, prawn cocktail and a green salad, couscous, grissini, the Ringmasters marinaded dismembered chicken, half a side of Ham and some pickles.Then we sat and waited.

Our Good Friend Milly Pav arrived first, all a bit militant, and then it was like the little boy had removed his finger the dam. Before you could say 'BOO' to a goose and Fridge, Redcar, the Student, the Hairdresser, SAS, Mrs Warboise, Varne, Fly, Mr Cod and the Fuckwits turned up on mass.

Without saying, it degenerated into madness. Milan was erottering, Varne had her tits out. There was quite a special moment when i pulled out a small tray of plastic ice cubes from the freezer in the shape of fruit. The fuckwit Dean thought I was handing out a tray of frozen fruit and took one the cleanse his palate. I watched him as he sucked the fruit shaped ice cube wondering if he was just being a bit a peculiar and suggestive, sucking the fake lemon in out out of his mouth. To be fair, everyone was watching, but it wasn't until he tried to eat the fucking thing that everyone leaped in and shouted,

'NOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!'

Except for our good friend Milly Pav who was nimbling around singing, 'Erotic! Erotic, put you hands all over my body!', Martha said, 'if you don't stop that soon I'm going to smack you all your body!

But that was last night and I'm being told off for taking hours to type, but being the evening after the weekend before, but what do you expect?