Fing and Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face are in the garden admiring the new space where Chris removed the pile of rubbish. Trotter is watching them from the back door, wishing he could look at the new space too.
They are discussing what the new space might be used for, although Fing is under the impression that a gate may be put in place. If there were a gate then access to the garden would be a lot easier.
Giggsey thinks that a couple of nice benches would be lovely in the new corner, as the shade from the tree would be lovely in the summer. Alternatively of course, a barbecue would nestle comfortably in the corner of the garden, meaning that the smoke would not be too close to the house.
This seems like a grand idea, as then they could have garden parties and entertain in the summer.
Trotter sighs from the behind the closed door. Its so unfair. Everyone will be outside and he will, as ever, be locked inside. Moor to the point, he loved that pile of rubbish. Not only was it exceptionally good to wee up against, if he ever managed to escape from the house he did love to stand on top of it and bark at all the junkies as they walked past, it was ace when he was covered in masonry paint that time, the junkies had thought they were tripping and had disappeared for a while. But alas, now the fun was over.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Dictionary Game
The Pets are playing the dictionary game, in which you close your eyes, open the book at random and point at a page, then read aloud the word and see if everyone else knows the word.
It is Fings go first 'dill' he says
'I know, i know!' says Trotter, 'is it someone stupid?'
'I know, i know!' says Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face, 'is it a herb?'
'Its a herb!' says Fing, so it is Giggsey's go next. She shuts her eyes, opens the book and chooses....
'Important'
'An insect that lives in your foot?' asks Trotter
'Me' says Fing,
'someone in authority' says Fat Boy Faggot
'The Queen' says Lulu
'The dictionary definition is ' Having great effect or having great authority, so I think its Faggys!' says the slug lips.
Faggots word is 'Satirize'
'Is it the sun rise on a Saturday morning?' asks Trotter.
'To ridicule someone?' asks Lulu
'PPPRRRRROOOOOTTTTT' says Tutz,
'Well, says Fing, the dictionary definition of 'Satirize' is to attack someone with Satire and 'Satire' is the use of ridicule, irony, or sarcasm, so I guess it goes to Lulu'
'ITS NOT FAIR' wails Trotter, 'I never know the answer, I never get a go!'
The other pets decided that Trotter can have a go, as it doesn't seem fair, so Trotter opens the Dictionary and chooses...
'Lapidary'
And everyone is stumped.
Do you know the answer?
It is Fings go first 'dill' he says
'I know, i know!' says Trotter, 'is it someone stupid?'
'I know, i know!' says Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face, 'is it a herb?'
'Its a herb!' says Fing, so it is Giggsey's go next. She shuts her eyes, opens the book and chooses....
'Important'
'An insect that lives in your foot?' asks Trotter
'Me' says Fing,
'someone in authority' says Fat Boy Faggot
'The Queen' says Lulu
'The dictionary definition is ' Having great effect or having great authority, so I think its Faggys!' says the slug lips.
Faggots word is 'Satirize'
'Is it the sun rise on a Saturday morning?' asks Trotter.
'To ridicule someone?' asks Lulu
'PPPRRRRROOOOOTTTTT' says Tutz,
'Well, says Fing, the dictionary definition of 'Satirize' is to attack someone with Satire and 'Satire' is the use of ridicule, irony, or sarcasm, so I guess it goes to Lulu'
'ITS NOT FAIR' wails Trotter, 'I never know the answer, I never get a go!'
The other pets decided that Trotter can have a go, as it doesn't seem fair, so Trotter opens the Dictionary and chooses...
'Lapidary'
And everyone is stumped.
Do you know the answer?
Monday, January 29, 2007
Do Meerkats drink Champage?
The Meerkat Convention was a complete and resounding success.
The Management Committee at the pub wrote out an agenda, made dog-tags with Meerkat Facts and made Meerkat information Posters. 2 tables were reserved and the champagne put on ice.
Everyone arrived on time to wait for the newly elected president of the Committee Dr J Juggs of Redcar University to arrive at 9. Dr Juggs, a keen Philanthropist and dedicated Meerkat Aficionado, arrived promptly and, was for once, at a complete loss for words. It can be hard to be in the limelight when you have worked tirelessly and quietly in the background for years.
The Ceremonial Pottery Meerkat was presented, along with a card signed by all the Members of the newly formed Society, A special signing in register was presented to the president to keep till next year to monitor attendance.
As we waited for the official Key Note Speech everyone took refreshments.
There was a brief moment of horror when a passing drunk fell into the head table and broke the arm of the ceremonial Meerkat, the crowd grew ugly and a grim silence descended.
The drunk apologised, but not before putting everyones back up and upsetting the Apple Cart. Luckily there was superglue to hand in the kitchen, the arm was glued back on and a small bandage applied.
Dr Juggs gave her speech which was very warmly received, followed by a resounding 'For she's a jolly good Fellow, and so say all of us', with some 'Hip Hip Hoorays' thrown in for good measure.
Unfortunately we did not have anytime to have the open discussion 'Engineering using unstable materials, how to build the perfect burrow', nor for our workshops which included 'Family Values and Meerkat Morality' and 'Meerkat Fashion, Prada or Primark?'.
After the Convention came to an end everyone trouped to Cloud 9 and danced the night away in a wild, giddy and drunken fashion before everyone came back to mine for a cup of tea.
The Management Committee at the pub wrote out an agenda, made dog-tags with Meerkat Facts and made Meerkat information Posters. 2 tables were reserved and the champagne put on ice.
Everyone arrived on time to wait for the newly elected president of the Committee Dr J Juggs of Redcar University to arrive at 9. Dr Juggs, a keen Philanthropist and dedicated Meerkat Aficionado, arrived promptly and, was for once, at a complete loss for words. It can be hard to be in the limelight when you have worked tirelessly and quietly in the background for years.
The Ceremonial Pottery Meerkat was presented, along with a card signed by all the Members of the newly formed Society, A special signing in register was presented to the president to keep till next year to monitor attendance.
As we waited for the official Key Note Speech everyone took refreshments.
There was a brief moment of horror when a passing drunk fell into the head table and broke the arm of the ceremonial Meerkat, the crowd grew ugly and a grim silence descended.
The drunk apologised, but not before putting everyones back up and upsetting the Apple Cart. Luckily there was superglue to hand in the kitchen, the arm was glued back on and a small bandage applied.
Dr Juggs gave her speech which was very warmly received, followed by a resounding 'For she's a jolly good Fellow, and so say all of us', with some 'Hip Hip Hoorays' thrown in for good measure.
Unfortunately we did not have anytime to have the open discussion 'Engineering using unstable materials, how to build the perfect burrow', nor for our workshops which included 'Family Values and Meerkat Morality' and 'Meerkat Fashion, Prada or Primark?'.
After the Convention came to an end everyone trouped to Cloud 9 and danced the night away in a wild, giddy and drunken fashion before everyone came back to mine for a cup of tea.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Throb
By the way.
Do not buy cheap shoes.
I was lured into Shoe Zone yesterday on the promise of cheap shoes on a limited budget, 'BUY ONE GET ONE FREE' signs should have alerted me, they are so awful they are trying to give them away!
I bought a pair of what resembled kickers, and had an experimental walk round the shop - they seemed fine, until that self same night when I walked to work and was crippled on route. I lasted an hour when I had to borrow a pair of boots from Saer-wah. My feet ached so much the rest of me ached in sympathy.
I can only conclude that the shoes were designed by some one born without legs, who doesn't appreciate what it feels like to have to wear shoes.
Bastards.
Do not buy cheap shoes.
I was lured into Shoe Zone yesterday on the promise of cheap shoes on a limited budget, 'BUY ONE GET ONE FREE' signs should have alerted me, they are so awful they are trying to give them away!
I bought a pair of what resembled kickers, and had an experimental walk round the shop - they seemed fine, until that self same night when I walked to work and was crippled on route. I lasted an hour when I had to borrow a pair of boots from Saer-wah. My feet ached so much the rest of me ached in sympathy.
I can only conclude that the shoes were designed by some one born without legs, who doesn't appreciate what it feels like to have to wear shoes.
Bastards.
Saturday, Saturdah
The day has dawned calm and bright.
Martha is at Vanre's drinking tea and talking shite.
Filipa has popped in and tried on her new 5 inch heels that Trotter picked up from Office in the week.
Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face is in the back garden, apparently Fly and Chris are going to clear away all the debris from the bottom, and create a gate. She is out there making sure everything is in place for their arrival, and is spreading a net over the pond so that nothing falls in and scares the fish, as they may have tiny fishy heart attacks and die.
Fing is lying in bed listening to Vivaldi.
Fat Boy Faggot is in town having one last look at the sales, hoping to find a little something to wear out tonight to the Meerkat Convention.
I am about to have a bath - then must go to town myself to buy provisions for the convention, also vegan yoghurts and some fruit.
Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the Chubbiest Dog in the West is practising Tai Chi in the kitchen. She has had a sudden hankering for things from the east, and as a result spends a lot of time on the Cowley Road.
Martha is at Vanre's drinking tea and talking shite.
Filipa has popped in and tried on her new 5 inch heels that Trotter picked up from Office in the week.
Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face is in the back garden, apparently Fly and Chris are going to clear away all the debris from the bottom, and create a gate. She is out there making sure everything is in place for their arrival, and is spreading a net over the pond so that nothing falls in and scares the fish, as they may have tiny fishy heart attacks and die.
Fing is lying in bed listening to Vivaldi.
Fat Boy Faggot is in town having one last look at the sales, hoping to find a little something to wear out tonight to the Meerkat Convention.
I am about to have a bath - then must go to town myself to buy provisions for the convention, also vegan yoghurts and some fruit.
Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the Chubbiest Dog in the West is practising Tai Chi in the kitchen. She has had a sudden hankering for things from the east, and as a result spends a lot of time on the Cowley Road.
Friday, January 26, 2007
1st Annual Meerkat Convention
The 1st Annual Meerkat Convention is to be held tomorrow night at the Brewery Gate.
Everyone is very excited.
Captain Jack has been make name badges for everyone, a stirling effort, what with a reoccurring bout of scurvy and everything.
He has been sat in a bucket chair carefully cutting out images of Meerkats while Lucas by Day - Duncan by night stares at the wall next to them. Occasionally The Captain will poke LBDDBN in the ribs to remind him that he is supposed to be putting the carefully cut out images into little plastic name tags.
Flip Chart paper is being purchased and a clipboard, Meerkat Facts will be posted around the room. It will be a night to remember!
1st Annual Meerkat Convention.
Brewery Gate, St Thomas Street, Oxford from 8pm.
Please do not bring any pet Meerkats.
Everyone is very excited.
Captain Jack has been make name badges for everyone, a stirling effort, what with a reoccurring bout of scurvy and everything.
He has been sat in a bucket chair carefully cutting out images of Meerkats while Lucas by Day - Duncan by night stares at the wall next to them. Occasionally The Captain will poke LBDDBN in the ribs to remind him that he is supposed to be putting the carefully cut out images into little plastic name tags.
Flip Chart paper is being purchased and a clipboard, Meerkat Facts will be posted around the room. It will be a night to remember!
1st Annual Meerkat Convention.
Brewery Gate, St Thomas Street, Oxford from 8pm.
Please do not bring any pet Meerkats.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Suck
Did you know that a colony of 100 tiny, but infamous, Common Vampire Bats, can drink the blood of 25 cows a year?
Fuck me!
Watch out Daisy!
Fuck me!
Watch out Daisy!
Help
I was at work at the pub earlier when a Muttering Moron entered the bar.
He looked like he'd stepped off a farm, all a bit tweedy, with a mop of hair and a bald patch.
He ordered a fosters and sat there and muttered, apparently to himself, although sometimes the muttering would gain pitch and intensity and if you listened really hard you could almost pick out entire sentences, you had to listen dead hard mind you, due to the speech impediment.
He muttered about his girlfriend who's cat was fierce as a tiger and who had to wrapped in a blanket to take tablets. He muttered about how all he'd ever wanted to be was a farmer, but that he had failed so joined the army instead. Muttered about his border collie Shep, who didn't mind taking tablets but was prone to attacking you if you ate food in front of him while sitting at the table.
I mentioned Trotter and his brain damage at this point, thinking it might strike a chord but the Moron went on to talk about farming and hadn't the snow been lovely to look at but a hindrance none the same?
And as I stood there, trying desperately not to get too drawn in, a nursery rhyme came to mind.
'Simple Simon met a pie man
On the way to fair
said simple Simon to the Pie Man
'What have you got there?'
Said the Pie Man to Simple Simon,
'Pies you fuckwit'
He looked like he'd stepped off a farm, all a bit tweedy, with a mop of hair and a bald patch.
He ordered a fosters and sat there and muttered, apparently to himself, although sometimes the muttering would gain pitch and intensity and if you listened really hard you could almost pick out entire sentences, you had to listen dead hard mind you, due to the speech impediment.
He muttered about his girlfriend who's cat was fierce as a tiger and who had to wrapped in a blanket to take tablets. He muttered about how all he'd ever wanted to be was a farmer, but that he had failed so joined the army instead. Muttered about his border collie Shep, who didn't mind taking tablets but was prone to attacking you if you ate food in front of him while sitting at the table.
I mentioned Trotter and his brain damage at this point, thinking it might strike a chord but the Moron went on to talk about farming and hadn't the snow been lovely to look at but a hindrance none the same?
And as I stood there, trying desperately not to get too drawn in, a nursery rhyme came to mind.
'Simple Simon met a pie man
On the way to fair
said simple Simon to the Pie Man
'What have you got there?'
Said the Pie Man to Simple Simon,
'Pies you fuckwit'
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Leaps and Bounds
Many years ago Martha was known by a different name.
Jumping Jan.
She was known as Jumping Jan as she was very easily startled and would react by starting, often violently, in a variety of horrified poses.
It can be quite amusing to have a Martha who resembles Nosforatu when unsettled.
The reaction could come as if for no reason at all. You could say hello stood behind her and she would scream. Stand silently behind her and not say anything at all, so she found you when she turned, could result in a scream and whatever she was holding being tossed across the room as she spasmed.
Once, in Spain, I saw her nearly leave the pavement as she jumped at her own shadow.
It was on the same holiday that we sat in a cafe and discussed Martha changing her name, recently divorced from my father, she no longer wanted to carry his name. Suddenly she pounced upon a sugar packed on the table with the brand name 'Jurando'.
'That's it!' she cried, 'Its my new name! Jumping Jan Jurado!'
So pleased was Martha with the new name, that she had 'J.J.J.' inscribed on her lighter. She told everyone she met about that sugar packet from Spain.
A few months later we were back in Spain, in the same cafe, when our favourite waiter Xavier approached us.
Martha showed him her lighted, laughed and told him the story.
'Ahhhh......' he said.
'You do realise that in Spain we do not have a 'J' sound, here 'J' is pronounced with a 'H'?'.
Humping Han Hurado put her lighter away and never mentioned it again.
Jumping Jan.
She was known as Jumping Jan as she was very easily startled and would react by starting, often violently, in a variety of horrified poses.
It can be quite amusing to have a Martha who resembles Nosforatu when unsettled.
The reaction could come as if for no reason at all. You could say hello stood behind her and she would scream. Stand silently behind her and not say anything at all, so she found you when she turned, could result in a scream and whatever she was holding being tossed across the room as she spasmed.
Once, in Spain, I saw her nearly leave the pavement as she jumped at her own shadow.
It was on the same holiday that we sat in a cafe and discussed Martha changing her name, recently divorced from my father, she no longer wanted to carry his name. Suddenly she pounced upon a sugar packed on the table with the brand name 'Jurando'.
'That's it!' she cried, 'Its my new name! Jumping Jan Jurado!'
So pleased was Martha with the new name, that she had 'J.J.J.' inscribed on her lighter. She told everyone she met about that sugar packet from Spain.
A few months later we were back in Spain, in the same cafe, when our favourite waiter Xavier approached us.
Martha showed him her lighted, laughed and told him the story.
'Ahhhh......' he said.
'You do realise that in Spain we do not have a 'J' sound, here 'J' is pronounced with a 'H'?'.
Humping Han Hurado put her lighter away and never mentioned it again.
Back in the Day
Trotters is very excited.
Elvis Presley's 'Jailhouse Rock' entered the charts at no.1 on this day in 1958.
He is practising some dance moves in the sitting room at the moment under Fings watchful eye.
(I am quite excited as this picture reminds me of the 'vortex of Stu' photo from New Years Eve - Did Elvis set a precedent for vortex faces back in the 50's?)
Floating in the air
It has snowed.
I first became aware of this in the early hours of the morning when Martha woke me up to tell me. Confused, I got up, said good morning to Trotter, who is always confused, and went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. I looked at the clock, which said 04.00 and thought the batteries had run out. It took me about 10 minutes to realise it was actually 4 in the morning and so I went back to bed.
I have awoken to a winter wonderland, so has Shane, who has text me to say he has been paddling about in his garden in his slippers and dressing gown.
Milan has text me to say it is also snowing in London.
How completely exciting.
I first became aware of this in the early hours of the morning when Martha woke me up to tell me. Confused, I got up, said good morning to Trotter, who is always confused, and went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. I looked at the clock, which said 04.00 and thought the batteries had run out. It took me about 10 minutes to realise it was actually 4 in the morning and so I went back to bed.
I have awoken to a winter wonderland, so has Shane, who has text me to say he has been paddling about in his garden in his slippers and dressing gown.
Milan has text me to say it is also snowing in London.
How completely exciting.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Drips and Drabs
Sometimes it is nice to have an afternoon off, to do the things that you like to do, like shop, or have your hair done.
Then there are utility days off in which you have arranged for a repair man to visit.
Utility days can have varying degree's of success.
Like today, for example. Tutz was watching MTV Base on Sunday when all of a sudden the images of Rap stars and women with madly gyrating backsides disappeared, to be replaced by the words 'NTL Home'.
Fing, who was on the Internet at the time looking at home furnishings, also lost the use of the Broadband and was enourmously peeved having just found a lovely line in voile drapes.
We called the engineers and they actually arrived (Not always guaranteed). For once, NTL was speedy, prompt and efficient, They replaced some small box and normality was restored.
Unfortunately today was also the day that we were due for our annual gas service, and an extremely large engineer, facially resembling Jabba the Hutt, arrived with portents of doom.
'Bit of a major leak in there', he advised, 'in my opinion, probably stemming from a waste pipe'
Fing nodded sagely from his perch on top of the radiator cover, where he was beautifully positioned to observe the fat engineer and also to toss diced pieces of cheese into the kitchen to keep Trotter happy behind the security gate.
And so a further repair man had to be summoned from the council.
Whereas the last engineer was large and slug like, the new one was thin and edgy with wildly darting eyes like a chameleon on speed and a shock of thick, bushy, orange hair. When Fing opened the door and the engineer stepped in the house, as one the other pets took a step backwards as if they might find safety underneath the stairs.
The plumber engineer darted upstairs with his erratic eyes and announced immediately that all of our problems were due to a leaking tap. That we should, under no circumstances, use the shower attachment, that he would raise a call that would result in our taps being replaced, the bath sealed and the drip resolved.
Then almost as soon as he was here he was gone, taking his eyes with him, thank god.
And so our utility day is over, the pets have assumed their normal positions, except Trotter, who is high on cheese from spending the majority of the afternoon in the kitchen being fed the best part of a packet to placate him from all the comings and goings and high visibility jackets.
Then there are utility days off in which you have arranged for a repair man to visit.
Utility days can have varying degree's of success.
Like today, for example. Tutz was watching MTV Base on Sunday when all of a sudden the images of Rap stars and women with madly gyrating backsides disappeared, to be replaced by the words 'NTL Home'.
Fing, who was on the Internet at the time looking at home furnishings, also lost the use of the Broadband and was enourmously peeved having just found a lovely line in voile drapes.
We called the engineers and they actually arrived (Not always guaranteed). For once, NTL was speedy, prompt and efficient, They replaced some small box and normality was restored.
Unfortunately today was also the day that we were due for our annual gas service, and an extremely large engineer, facially resembling Jabba the Hutt, arrived with portents of doom.
'Bit of a major leak in there', he advised, 'in my opinion, probably stemming from a waste pipe'
Fing nodded sagely from his perch on top of the radiator cover, where he was beautifully positioned to observe the fat engineer and also to toss diced pieces of cheese into the kitchen to keep Trotter happy behind the security gate.
And so a further repair man had to be summoned from the council.
Whereas the last engineer was large and slug like, the new one was thin and edgy with wildly darting eyes like a chameleon on speed and a shock of thick, bushy, orange hair. When Fing opened the door and the engineer stepped in the house, as one the other pets took a step backwards as if they might find safety underneath the stairs.
The plumber engineer darted upstairs with his erratic eyes and announced immediately that all of our problems were due to a leaking tap. That we should, under no circumstances, use the shower attachment, that he would raise a call that would result in our taps being replaced, the bath sealed and the drip resolved.
Then almost as soon as he was here he was gone, taking his eyes with him, thank god.
And so our utility day is over, the pets have assumed their normal positions, except Trotter, who is high on cheese from spending the majority of the afternoon in the kitchen being fed the best part of a packet to placate him from all the comings and goings and high visibility jackets.
Film of the Month
Fat Boy Faggots favourite film is the recent gay cowboy epic 'Brokeback Mountain'.
'I thought it was called Bareback Mountain?' says Trotter
'Alas, no', says Fat Boy.
'I thought it was called Bareback Mountain?' says Trotter
'Alas, no', says Fat Boy.
Chef for the memory
Some of you may be aware that Trotter has become a fashion consultant for would be drag queens.
This can make for very exciting evenings at our house.
Like last night for example, when Filipa Hole came round for a cup of tea and a spot of cross dressing.
Trotter advised on a lovely camisole and French knicker combination, and by God! He was right!
Trotter was so pleased with his creation that he went quite spare, barked uncontrollably at the table and savaged a cushion, all in the space of 10 minutes.
He then went to write down his findings in his fashion encycopedia, along with matching swatches of cloth and pencil drawings of the design.
Next week Trotter will dress Filipa in sack cloth with horse hair pants and a roughly hewn hessian hat, just for good measure.
Monday, January 22, 2007
The Trotter and Fing Film Appreciation Society
Trotters and Fing would like to start an open forum in which people can discuss their favourite films.
They have gathered all the pets and are sat in a rough circle, Fing explains why they are all there and asks Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face to give a brief Synopsis of her favourite film, and indeed to explain why it is her favourite.
'My Favourite Film of ALL time' says the Slug Face, 'is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, it is a film about a lonely inventor that makes up stories and lies to his children about a magical car, that obviously cannot exist in the real world, as flying thinking cars do not exist. The film details an acid trip he induces upon his children which features a hideous child catcher, who unfortunately does not exist in the real world, because if he did he could come round her and round up all the little bastards on this estate. I love this film as it brings dishonesty and lying into the open and warns us all to be careful in our relationships with others'.
'Fing turns round and whispers into Trotters ear, 'I told you this might be a problem'
to which Trotters replys, 'but its a valid point about the child catcher, dont you think?'
They have gathered all the pets and are sat in a rough circle, Fing explains why they are all there and asks Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face to give a brief Synopsis of her favourite film, and indeed to explain why it is her favourite.
'My Favourite Film of ALL time' says the Slug Face, 'is Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, it is a film about a lonely inventor that makes up stories and lies to his children about a magical car, that obviously cannot exist in the real world, as flying thinking cars do not exist. The film details an acid trip he induces upon his children which features a hideous child catcher, who unfortunately does not exist in the real world, because if he did he could come round her and round up all the little bastards on this estate. I love this film as it brings dishonesty and lying into the open and warns us all to be careful in our relationships with others'.
'Fing turns round and whispers into Trotters ear, 'I told you this might be a problem'
to which Trotters replys, 'but its a valid point about the child catcher, dont you think?'
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Gardens
Today Martha has decided that we will dismantle the pagoda in the Garden. The plan is that the pagoda iss moved back, towards the house, and it will be covered with a nice green baize, providing shade for the sitting room and for those sitting underneath.
Varne has her metallic ladder, Fly has an assortement of spanners and screwdrivers, Martha is stood around giving instructions.
Fing is sitting on the fence with a large piece of paper on which are drwn the plans to the pagoda, he has decided that it would perhaps be better to just pull the thing down and build a new one, but when Martha has decided something must be done, something must be done.
Watching the proceedings is Trotter, who is obviously not allowed to help due to his problems with pot plants and is also watching from the safety of his pig pen.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face has a tool belt on and is helping Fly by putting the old screws into her pockets. Tutz is watching from the bedroom window with a hint of surprised madness and uncertainty, what are they doing? Why? Why?
Lulu is in the kitchen making tea for when everyone is finished, and Fat Boy Faggot is having nothing to do with the proceedings as he is doing his nails in the bath.
Trotter is not happy by it all and is barking like a crazy bastard.
As you can imagine, its more noisy than standing next to Niagra Falls, but not as nice to look at.
Varne has her metallic ladder, Fly has an assortement of spanners and screwdrivers, Martha is stood around giving instructions.
Fing is sitting on the fence with a large piece of paper on which are drwn the plans to the pagoda, he has decided that it would perhaps be better to just pull the thing down and build a new one, but when Martha has decided something must be done, something must be done.
Watching the proceedings is Trotter, who is obviously not allowed to help due to his problems with pot plants and is also watching from the safety of his pig pen.
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face has a tool belt on and is helping Fly by putting the old screws into her pockets. Tutz is watching from the bedroom window with a hint of surprised madness and uncertainty, what are they doing? Why? Why?
Lulu is in the kitchen making tea for when everyone is finished, and Fat Boy Faggot is having nothing to do with the proceedings as he is doing his nails in the bath.
Trotter is not happy by it all and is barking like a crazy bastard.
As you can imagine, its more noisy than standing next to Niagra Falls, but not as nice to look at.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Goodbye and Goodluck
It all turned out a bit demented in the end, although MarGRET, Eddie and Lily would have lijed the puppy to stay, Debbie from the animal shelter had already arranged a home and medical treatment, should she need it, had all been sorted out. As I type the puppy should be on her way to a new home.
Delilah, we wish you long life and happiness in your new home.
At the ranch, things have shettled back into normality.
Fing is sitting on the dresser looking down imperiously at the rest of the room.
Trotter is rubbing his furry face along the bed, all happy now the puppy is gone.
Delilah, we wish you long life and happiness in your new home.
At the ranch, things have shettled back into normality.
Fing is sitting on the dresser looking down imperiously at the rest of the room.
Trotter is rubbing his furry face along the bed, all happy now the puppy is gone.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Ramp 2
Enthralled by the idea of a ramp to help him in and out of cars, Trotter has spent some time on the internet.
He would like to draw your attention to this website and the particularly talented Black Labradour hired to test the products.
http://www.handiramp.com/pet-ramp.htm
He wonders if there may be a job for him in the pet ramp business?
He would like to draw your attention to this website and the particularly talented Black Labradour hired to test the products.
http://www.handiramp.com/pet-ramp.htm
He wonders if there may be a job for him in the pet ramp business?
Where do you go, my lovely?
It has been a very very difficult week.
Martha and I have come to the difficult decision that we cannot keep Delilah as Trotter hates her. It is not fair to keep her when the only place she can be is my bedroom. Neither is it fair to upset the delicate equilibrium at home, in which all 6 pets have a distinct place to be.
So I contacted Captain Skipjack and Lucas by day - Duncan by night, was there a place in the pub for them I wondered? Unfortunately not, the Captain was worried that he might not be able to cope with the puppy's enthusiasm, what with his creaking hips and all, and LBDDBN was worried that he would not be able to devote time staring at nothing if he had a puppy to distract him.
Was there a place in North Leigh with my cousin I wondered? Unfortunately not, Katrina's fence had been completely blown away by the wind, and, as she lives on a main road with nothing to stop the puppy from racing out and getting run over, the answer was no.
I called up Fred who kindly gave me Debbie's number. Debbie works at a sanctuary that specialises in re-homing lurchers, and she agreed to pick up the puppy at 10.30am sharp on Saturday.
But then came breaking news from Cuddesdon!
Big saw Delilah's photo on this self same website and swooped down to Preachers Lane to pick her up and kiss her on the head! They have advised us that MarGRET and Louie were considering a 3rd dog to keep their 2 dogs, Eddie and Lily, company. So tiny delilah was whisked off into the dark night to see if she might fit in there.
We all have out fingers and toes crossed.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Ramp
Trotter was utterly delighted at his letter from Rez and Big Lou this morning, showing details of a fold away wooden ramp that could be used to help small stocky dogs in and out of cars.
He is especially pleased as he has always had problems getting in and out of Fing's Ferrari and the wooden ramp would solve the indignity of having to be winched in and out by Fing and the other pets. The home made hoist made out of a couple of Martha's old bra's and some laddery tights from the sock drawer, although practical, was hardly the thing for a dog about town to be seen in.
The wooden ramp would be a godsend.
He is especially pleased as he has always had problems getting in and out of Fing's Ferrari and the wooden ramp would solve the indignity of having to be winched in and out by Fing and the other pets. The home made hoist made out of a couple of Martha's old bra's and some laddery tights from the sock drawer, although practical, was hardly the thing for a dog about town to be seen in.
The wooden ramp would be a godsend.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Octopussy
Contrary to popular opinion, Octopus do not enjoy being part of a Spanish Tapas menu.
They much prefer growing to unfathomable lengths in the deep ocean and scaring the b'jesus out of mariners.
My, My, My
Trotter is very unhappy because of Delilah. He is grumpy, growling and generally pissed off.
Fing will not sleep on his pillow.
Tutz has taken to hissing from underneath the bed.
Lulu is barking and growling and being a bad tempered bitch - although in fairness, that's completely normal behaviour.
Fizzgigg seems unperturbed.
Faggot came and got into bed with the puppy last night and purred as loud as a steam locomotive.
So, although Fat Boy has embraced the puppy, it seems that the rest of the management committee is out. This does not bode well for Delilah.
Fing will not sleep on his pillow.
Tutz has taken to hissing from underneath the bed.
Lulu is barking and growling and being a bad tempered bitch - although in fairness, that's completely normal behaviour.
Fizzgigg seems unperturbed.
Faggot came and got into bed with the puppy last night and purred as loud as a steam locomotive.
So, although Fat Boy has embraced the puppy, it seems that the rest of the management committee is out. This does not bode well for Delilah.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Varne and Delilah
Delilah arrived on Friday, she came with nothing but an air of Joy de Vie and an insatiable appetite.
As she bounced up and down the hall way like bambi on acid, all 4 cats lined up on the stairs and watched her, almost as if they were watching a game of tennis, eyes swivelling backwards and forwrds as she went.
It was perhaps an unusual weekend for Delilah to arrive as it was Varnes Birthday and we were throwing a very important party, with tea, and cakes, pickled onions and a selection of cold meats. All the best people were invited and Martha spent all day in the kitchen cooking with the help of Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, and Fing, who sat on the side watching with an imperious air, wondering if any fish was going to be prepared and passed his way.
All the guests arrived and a good time was had by all, Delilah was greated with enthusiasm and Trotter was put out be the attention she was receiveing.
We had been lulled into a false sense of security by Trotters calmness, when all of a sudden he reacted adversly last night and growled and was unusually bad tempered towards the little one.
Today he stood calmly in the hall wagging his tail and watched Delilah in the kitchen.
God knows whats going to happen next.
As she bounced up and down the hall way like bambi on acid, all 4 cats lined up on the stairs and watched her, almost as if they were watching a game of tennis, eyes swivelling backwards and forwrds as she went.
It was perhaps an unusual weekend for Delilah to arrive as it was Varnes Birthday and we were throwing a very important party, with tea, and cakes, pickled onions and a selection of cold meats. All the best people were invited and Martha spent all day in the kitchen cooking with the help of Truly Scrumptious Lulu, the chubbiest dog in the west, and Fing, who sat on the side watching with an imperious air, wondering if any fish was going to be prepared and passed his way.
All the guests arrived and a good time was had by all, Delilah was greated with enthusiasm and Trotter was put out be the attention she was receiveing.
We had been lulled into a false sense of security by Trotters calmness, when all of a sudden he reacted adversly last night and growled and was unusually bad tempered towards the little one.
Today he stood calmly in the hall wagging his tail and watched Delilah in the kitchen.
God knows whats going to happen next.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Judy
It is a very stormy day.
The tree's are being lashed by the rain and the bushes are being whipped by the wind.
Yes, I'm afraid it's an S & M kind of day.
Trotter doesn't like S & M kind of days as they play merry havoc with his coat. He was therefore extremely pleased when he noticed this lovely rainbow. He decided to try and follow the rainbow to its end to see if he could find a crock of IAMs, but instead ended up in the Jude the Insecure, where he stopped for a pint of real ale and some monkey nuts.
He remembered the last time he had been here, the day of the sponsored walk, if he remembers correctly. They had asked us all to leave as children were not allowed in the bar, in the garden, or, apparently, within a 10 mile radius of the fascist wanker barman, ugly twat.
The remembrance sours his pint, so he has a cursory piss up against the table leg, and sets off home where he intends to have a hot bath, and have one of the other pets try to comb out his tussled furry coat.
Shall we, shan't we?
Something of great import has occurred on Preachers Lane.
Last night Andray appeared with a tiny puppy and announced that he had swapped her for Hercules who had gone to live with some gypsies.
Thankfully, for him, he was lying. Hercules has not gone to live with the gypsies.
Although we haven't seen Hercules for a while it is because he is on Safari in Kenya and is helping to catalogue numbers of pesky hyena's who have taken up extortion in the area. The park rangers have expressed some concerns that Elephants have enough to worry about from poachers without having to pay the hyena's not to burn down their shops and factory's.
So, the tiny puppy, who has come to stay with Andray for some reason.
I WANT TO KEEP HER FOREVER.
But this will of course, completely, depend on the board of directors themselves, Trotter and Fing.
Trotter ignored her last night, despite the fact that she kept bouncing past him like a tiny faun. Fing watched her through slitted eyes and did not even twitch when she barked at him in a small puppy manner. Fat Boy Faggot hissed at her from underneath the bench but she tried to play with him anyway by trying to touch him with an experimental paw. Lulu went upstairs and refused to come down, mind you, I think she's guarding something upstairs again, so that in itself wasn't overly unusual.
We are testing the pets reactions to her over the next few days, and, if all is well, Trotter will have someone to play with and we will have a new team member.
Fingers crossed.
Last night Andray appeared with a tiny puppy and announced that he had swapped her for Hercules who had gone to live with some gypsies.
Thankfully, for him, he was lying. Hercules has not gone to live with the gypsies.
Although we haven't seen Hercules for a while it is because he is on Safari in Kenya and is helping to catalogue numbers of pesky hyena's who have taken up extortion in the area. The park rangers have expressed some concerns that Elephants have enough to worry about from poachers without having to pay the hyena's not to burn down their shops and factory's.
So, the tiny puppy, who has come to stay with Andray for some reason.
I WANT TO KEEP HER FOREVER.
But this will of course, completely, depend on the board of directors themselves, Trotter and Fing.
Trotter ignored her last night, despite the fact that she kept bouncing past him like a tiny faun. Fing watched her through slitted eyes and did not even twitch when she barked at him in a small puppy manner. Fat Boy Faggot hissed at her from underneath the bench but she tried to play with him anyway by trying to touch him with an experimental paw. Lulu went upstairs and refused to come down, mind you, I think she's guarding something upstairs again, so that in itself wasn't overly unusual.
We are testing the pets reactions to her over the next few days, and, if all is well, Trotter will have someone to play with and we will have a new team member.
Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Smaug
Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face luxuriates on the beautiful new satin cushion that Martha has bought for the Dragon Chair.
Giggsey is obviously very pleased that Martha has bought a new satin cushion for the Dragon Chair as it is extremely comfortable and sets off her stupid shiny body a treat.
The rest of us cannot help but be concerned that the red stain cushion, with the slug on top, will be akin to a red rag to a bull to Trotter. With his aversion to cushions and his dislike of Giggsey being comfortable in the lounge this is an accident waiting to happen.
Our concerns lay with the Dragon Chair, an antique that has been in the family for centuries, all carved from ebony and extremely old.
Martha thinks it should be on display, despite Trotters propensities, and is throwing caution into his deranged furry face by adding the red satin cushion, which in turn tempts the slug, who Trotter doesn't like to be comfy, on top of the chair.
I cannot help but fear there may be tears before bedtime.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Blue
It is Tuesday.
The temperature is mild for the time of year.
The sky is grey, people look depressed, no one has any money.
Its January.
In an attempt to cheer the general populace, Trotter and Giggsey Girl the stupid slug Face are busking in the front yard.
Giggsey is on her drum kit and Trotter has a comb with a bit of loo roll wrapped around it into which he is blowing. He isn't really succeeding in making much of a noise, but keeps on laughing as its making his lips tickle.
As Giggsey beats out a heavy metal rif, Trotter can be seen rolling around on the floor, clutching his furry sides and laughing and laughing and laughing.
They have gathered quite a crowd.
The crowd cannot work out what they are supposed to be. A band? Performance artists? Maniacs?
It is not helped by the fact that Truly Scrumptious Lulu is sat in the doorway in her 'Cheeky Chops' T-shirt, Chefs hat, smoking a Cuban cigar and drinking Jack Daniels, whilst staring at the crowd with thinly disguised contempt. 'Plebs' she thinks, and snorts to herself within a vast cloud of acrid smoke.
The crowd can't help but think that perhaps small dogs smoking cigars might be against the law, until someone says 'No!, don't be stupid! Beagles do it all the time!' and the crowd breathes a sigh of relief.
The relief is only temporary as suddenly Fing appears in his best orange slacks, leaps nimbly over the laughing boy, and starts to Samba like his life depends on it.
As one the crowd reaches a decision.
Maniacs.
The temperature is mild for the time of year.
The sky is grey, people look depressed, no one has any money.
Its January.
In an attempt to cheer the general populace, Trotter and Giggsey Girl the stupid slug Face are busking in the front yard.
Giggsey is on her drum kit and Trotter has a comb with a bit of loo roll wrapped around it into which he is blowing. He isn't really succeeding in making much of a noise, but keeps on laughing as its making his lips tickle.
As Giggsey beats out a heavy metal rif, Trotter can be seen rolling around on the floor, clutching his furry sides and laughing and laughing and laughing.
They have gathered quite a crowd.
The crowd cannot work out what they are supposed to be. A band? Performance artists? Maniacs?
It is not helped by the fact that Truly Scrumptious Lulu is sat in the doorway in her 'Cheeky Chops' T-shirt, Chefs hat, smoking a Cuban cigar and drinking Jack Daniels, whilst staring at the crowd with thinly disguised contempt. 'Plebs' she thinks, and snorts to herself within a vast cloud of acrid smoke.
The crowd can't help but think that perhaps small dogs smoking cigars might be against the law, until someone says 'No!, don't be stupid! Beagles do it all the time!' and the crowd breathes a sigh of relief.
The relief is only temporary as suddenly Fing appears in his best orange slacks, leaps nimbly over the laughing boy, and starts to Samba like his life depends on it.
As one the crowd reaches a decision.
Maniacs.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Audaces Solum
As you are aware Fing does not like to be restrained in any way, and as a result has learned to open all the doors and windows in order to set himself free, to be liberated, just to be out, not told what to do be his human oppressors and all that jazz.
However some days he cant be bothered to force himself out of the kitchen window after wrestling with the Venetian blinds.
Some days he tires of turning the key in the lock.
Some days he miaows, and miaows and miaows in a loud and penetrating voice until you can bear it no more and you release him as a release on your eardrums.
Such as this day, when I let him out into the garden on a rainy day.
Fing was not amused. He sat and watched the rain, tail twitching in a highly irritated manner. He sat and he watched, he watched as he sat, then finally he could bear it no longer.
He asked to come in.
Contrary little bastard.
However some days he cant be bothered to force himself out of the kitchen window after wrestling with the Venetian blinds.
Some days he tires of turning the key in the lock.
Some days he miaows, and miaows and miaows in a loud and penetrating voice until you can bear it no more and you release him as a release on your eardrums.
Such as this day, when I let him out into the garden on a rainy day.
Fing was not amused. He sat and watched the rain, tail twitching in a highly irritated manner. He sat and he watched, he watched as he sat, then finally he could bear it no longer.
He asked to come in.
Contrary little bastard.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
The Great Shoescape
I had forgotten that yesterday was the 12th day.
It took me 2 hours to defrock the house of its festive decorations. An hour and a half of this was carefully spent, some might say anally, very carefully returning each and every bauble to its individual box to ensure its safe keeping until next year.
Reminded that I had lost 3 presents before Christmas, Martha, the Pets and myself embarked on Spring Cleaning of an epic scale.
Of course anything unusual tends to provoke Trotter into wild and unmanageable behaviour, and yesterday was no exception.
As we were feverishly rushing around Trotter decided he didn't like it if we were stood still, so barked at us to try and chivvy us along. Trotter later decided he actually didn't approve of the cleaning and decided to just stand there barking.
I found temporary relief from the barking when tidying Martha's wardrobe, as the walls muffled the frenetic sound and gave the eardrums a moment of respite.
We cleaned the bathroom cupboard and we cleaned out drawers and the blanket box and looked behind the sofa's. No missing presents to be found.
As a result of all this I was unable to embark on my shoe audit, which annoyed Fing greatly. Fing had donned his horn rimmed spectacles in preparation and had made a clipboard, on which he had intended to write an inventory.
I fear the shoe count will have to wait until next Saturday.
It took me 2 hours to defrock the house of its festive decorations. An hour and a half of this was carefully spent, some might say anally, very carefully returning each and every bauble to its individual box to ensure its safe keeping until next year.
Reminded that I had lost 3 presents before Christmas, Martha, the Pets and myself embarked on Spring Cleaning of an epic scale.
Of course anything unusual tends to provoke Trotter into wild and unmanageable behaviour, and yesterday was no exception.
As we were feverishly rushing around Trotter decided he didn't like it if we were stood still, so barked at us to try and chivvy us along. Trotter later decided he actually didn't approve of the cleaning and decided to just stand there barking.
I found temporary relief from the barking when tidying Martha's wardrobe, as the walls muffled the frenetic sound and gave the eardrums a moment of respite.
We cleaned the bathroom cupboard and we cleaned out drawers and the blanket box and looked behind the sofa's. No missing presents to be found.
As a result of all this I was unable to embark on my shoe audit, which annoyed Fing greatly. Fing had donned his horn rimmed spectacles in preparation and had made a clipboard, on which he had intended to write an inventory.
I fear the shoe count will have to wait until next Saturday.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Fortes Fortuna Iuvat
Trotter and Fing will be unavailable for the rest of the day as they are helping me conduct a stock take of my shoes.
Those of you who know me will wish us well and may like to consider saying prayers for us and lighting candles.
Please think of us over the course of the day. If you hear nothing from us by 5 please consider coming round to check up on us. There's always the possibility that we might well be trapped in the cupboard, having been rendered unconscious by a cascade of falling shoe boxes, loose boots and occaisional flip flops.
Thank you for your ongoing support.
L x
Victuals
'Martha!' I called, 'Martha'
She suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs and stuck her head round my door,
'What?' she said,
'Fing would like a fish finger sandwich for breackfast', I advised.
'Fing has been in my room and been to toilet on all my clothes and tried to cover it up with a shoe box' said Marth.
'Dirty Boys don't get fish finger sandwiches', she advised.
'Oh', I said.
Fing calmly watched the open doorway until the sound of Marthas footsteps had reached the groundfloor.
'Possession in 9 tenths of the law' he advised, and went downstairs to see if Trotter fancied a trip to the gym.
She suddenly appeared at the top of the stairs and stuck her head round my door,
'What?' she said,
'Fing would like a fish finger sandwich for breackfast', I advised.
'Fing has been in my room and been to toilet on all my clothes and tried to cover it up with a shoe box' said Marth.
'Dirty Boys don't get fish finger sandwiches', she advised.
'Oh', I said.
Fing calmly watched the open doorway until the sound of Marthas footsteps had reached the groundfloor.
'Possession in 9 tenths of the law' he advised, and went downstairs to see if Trotter fancied a trip to the gym.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Bordom
It is truly dreadful being bored.
Trotter sighed during Eastenders, he sighs as Martha watches Location, Location, Location.
He is hoping the program about midgets and the deformed will cheer him up at 9, but it is an uncertain world.
Its a shame as he was just so impossibly happy earlier. In a series of bowel movements that came as a delightful surprise, Trotter managed to complete 3 quite sizable deposits upstairs.
One, teasing you by the door jam into my bedroom, a dangerous one just out of sight round Marthas bedroom door which might have been good for a laugh if she hadn't noticed it and skiddied across the bedroom floor, and the third smack bang in the middle of my bedroom floor, just by Tutz scratchy pole.
He sighs, he had been so happy over the 3 poo's that he had raced around the table 3 times.
Never mind.
Bring on the dwarfs!
Trotter sighed during Eastenders, he sighs as Martha watches Location, Location, Location.
He is hoping the program about midgets and the deformed will cheer him up at 9, but it is an uncertain world.
Its a shame as he was just so impossibly happy earlier. In a series of bowel movements that came as a delightful surprise, Trotter managed to complete 3 quite sizable deposits upstairs.
One, teasing you by the door jam into my bedroom, a dangerous one just out of sight round Marthas bedroom door which might have been good for a laugh if she hadn't noticed it and skiddied across the bedroom floor, and the third smack bang in the middle of my bedroom floor, just by Tutz scratchy pole.
He sighs, he had been so happy over the 3 poo's that he had raced around the table 3 times.
Never mind.
Bring on the dwarfs!
Dreadfulenders
Totter and Fing have just watched Eastenders and cant help but feel that Sonia would greatly benefit from being strangled.
Or perhaps having her head boiled in a pot.
Anything to shut her up infact.
Or perhaps having her head boiled in a pot.
Anything to shut her up infact.
Day?
It is Thursday, which is a blessed relief, as due to the bank holiday everyone is a bit out of kilter.
Trotter put the bins out Tuesday, thinking it was Wednesday, and was forced to savage the bags when he found them still in place yesterday.
Lulu thought it was Friday, which is obviously baking day and has confused everyone with the smell of confectioneries in the kitchen.
Fing, confused by the confectionery, attacked Martha as she didn't prepare Fish for supper as it was in fact Wednesday.
Tutz? Tutz is still living in 1942 as far as we are aware. Occasionally she dons a hard hat and stares up at the sky looking for Messerschmidt's and Spitfire's. No one would mind but occasionally she forces everyone into a bunker she has made under neath the bed where they are forced to drink overly brewed tea and eat hard biscuits.
Meanwhile, in another alternative reality, Lucas by Day - Duncan by Night has been standing mesmerised in the rain. He stands happily in the deluge watching the raindrops as they bounce back from the yard. He stands and he stands until Lu calls him to come in, soaking wet. He has been in the rain for an hour and a half, where, despite the arctic conditions, 80 miles per hour winds and the sleet, he was as happy as a pig in shit, but obviously cleaner because of the rain.
Trotter put the bins out Tuesday, thinking it was Wednesday, and was forced to savage the bags when he found them still in place yesterday.
Lulu thought it was Friday, which is obviously baking day and has confused everyone with the smell of confectioneries in the kitchen.
Fing, confused by the confectionery, attacked Martha as she didn't prepare Fish for supper as it was in fact Wednesday.
Tutz? Tutz is still living in 1942 as far as we are aware. Occasionally she dons a hard hat and stares up at the sky looking for Messerschmidt's and Spitfire's. No one would mind but occasionally she forces everyone into a bunker she has made under neath the bed where they are forced to drink overly brewed tea and eat hard biscuits.
Meanwhile, in another alternative reality, Lucas by Day - Duncan by Night has been standing mesmerised in the rain. He stands happily in the deluge watching the raindrops as they bounce back from the yard. He stands and he stands until Lu calls him to come in, soaking wet. He has been in the rain for an hour and a half, where, despite the arctic conditions, 80 miles per hour winds and the sleet, he was as happy as a pig in shit, but obviously cleaner because of the rain.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
In the Beginning
Fings Father had often hoped he would become a boxer. He looked at his son with his outsize paws and general bad attitude and was convinced he could rise to become kitty-weight champion.
Unfortunatley Fing's interest in the classics and aesthetics and his love of Samba meant that he would have nothing to do with his Fathers wishes. They would argue into the early hours until Fing was forced to run away and take up with a travelling Circus.
He was known as Fing the Fantabulous, and would amaze everyone with his Samba, Card Tricks and his renditions of Westlife Classics. Sometimes he would double up as a clown, or would agree to be shot from the Cannon, although only grudgingly as it tended to wreack havoc with his fur.
Sometimes he would take money at the gate, sometimes help the contortionist back into a reasonable position.
His time with the fair was a happy one, but he knew that there were other adventures to be had, new horizons to find, Samba dancing competions and, above all else, some one to love.
So he set off with his savings and a spotted hanky on a stick containing all his prize possessions, said goodbye to the circus and walked off into the sunset wisteling a jaunty tune.
You may wonder how a boy with such lowly beginnings went on to own a ferrari?
Its a very long story.
Giggsey Girl the Stretchy Slug Face
In her childhood, Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face always dreamed of being a ballerina.
She attended Ballet classes full of haughty Siamese with their perfect spindly bodies, who looked down their pedigree noses at poor Giggsey Girl and her robust, compact, frame.
They looked elegant in their points and Tutu's whereas Giggsey Girl just looked faintly ridiculous with her fat little black thighs almost eclipsed by the mesh. She tried so hard but when you're a sturdy girl you just cant be a ballerina.
She instead went on to become a champion kick boxer and a black belt in karete.
Go Giggsey Girl the Stupid Slug Face!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The morning after the night and day before
It was almost pointless tidying up, Fing and Trotter have awoken to a filthy house after the new years revelries.
Fing danced the night away at Cloud9, while Trotter and some friends played poker with an occasional game of cheat into the early hours.
Then everyone piled back t the house, tried a spot of cross dressing and then collapsed in a heap and lay fast asleep until midday.
Trotter is running a rag over the kitchen tops, Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face is polishing everything with her stupid shiny body.
Fat Boy Faggot is cleaning the bathroom in a pair of marigolds and Lulu is rearranging her nest of comfy clothes in Marthas bedroom.
Its a bit belated, but we at Trotter and Fing wish you a very Happy New Year. We hope it is full of wonderful surprises, and kisses and moonbeams and everything your heart can dream for. Failing that, lets hope it was better than last year.
Fing danced the night away at Cloud9, while Trotter and some friends played poker with an occasional game of cheat into the early hours.
Then everyone piled back t the house, tried a spot of cross dressing and then collapsed in a heap and lay fast asleep until midday.
Trotter is running a rag over the kitchen tops, Giggsey Girl the stupid slug face is polishing everything with her stupid shiny body.
Fat Boy Faggot is cleaning the bathroom in a pair of marigolds and Lulu is rearranging her nest of comfy clothes in Marthas bedroom.
Its a bit belated, but we at Trotter and Fing wish you a very Happy New Year. We hope it is full of wonderful surprises, and kisses and moonbeams and everything your heart can dream for. Failing that, lets hope it was better than last year.
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